SINGAPORE – Exam periods can be a challenging time for relationships between parents and their teenage children. While you might have been actively involved in their PSLE preparation, your teens now prefer to manage their revision and desire their own space.
Yet, it is only natural that you worry about their preparedness, especially for important year-end papers and national exams like the N, O and A levels. Are they studying enough?
“Many parents may not realise when their care and concern can tip into overbearing behaviour,” says family life educator Selene Yap from non-profit organisation Lakeside Family Services in Jurong West.
Teens can feel suffocated by excessive monitoring of their studies, micromanaging of their schedules, nagging and unsolicited advice. Instead of constant reminders, what they need is acknowledgement from their parents that they are, in fact, studying.
Ayden Ang, 19, a diploma graduate from NUS High School of Math and Science recounts: “Sometimes, my parents assumed I wasn’t studying or revising when they saw me on the phone in my room. I wished they had more trust in me and my study schedule.”
Despite this, he appreciates his parents’ efforts, such as ensuring that he arrived at school on time for exams and cooking his favourite food of ramen. He and his 21-year-old brother Ashton are now doing national service.
His 15-year-old sister, Alethea, is also thankful for her parents’ support, like when they bought comfort food such as french fries and croissants, and stayed up late with her during study sessions.
But she would have liked a heads-up about outings, especially around exams.
“While I appreciate their effort to help me relax, I wish they had informed me about their plans a day earlier,” she says. “I had already worked out my study schedule for that day. Now I have to spend extra effort to change it to accommodate our outing.”
The siblings’ responses to The Straits Times are a revelation to their father Kelvin Ang, who is behind the longstanding Cheekiemonkies parenting and lifestyle blog and social media account. The 49-year-old financial planner realises that what parents consider “best” may not always be the case in their children’s eyes.
He cites examples such as urging them to quickly wrap up their revision, encouraging earlier bedtimes or suggesting meal outings – which were done with the best of intentions.
“Sometimes, they don’t see it as such. It’s not because they don’t appreciate us. It’s just a normal part of growing up where they start to be more independent and set boundaries. Some parents mistake this stage for rebellious behaviour.”
Mr Kelvin Ang (second from right), with his children (from left) Alethea, Ayden and Ashton. PHOTO: COURTESY OF KELVIN ANG
He believes parents should take a step back and empower their children to discover their own path and manage their time independently.
He adds: “We can offer support from the sidelines, but whatever we do, it shouldn’t come across as barking out an order.”
How can I help you?
Indeed, parents should be partners to their teens, showing interest in what they are going through instead of dictating or making assumptions, advises Miss Germain Kang, a science teacher and upper secondary year head at Fuhua Secondary School.
She is among eight educators who received the President’s Award for Teachers on Sept 4 for their outstanding work.
Miss Kang emphasises that while parental involvement is crucial, it is important not to burden teens with excessive expectations.
Miss Germain Kang (centre), upper secondary year head at Fuhua Secondary School, with Secondary 4 students (from left) Muhammad Hilmi Muhammad Rizal, Singh Ipshita Pramod, Charlene Tiu and Wong Kai Yu. ST PHOTO: BRIAN TEO
And, instead of dwelling on what they are not doing, acknowledge their positive actions. For instance, let them know: “I noticed you’ve been revising more often this week and I’m proud of you.”
Children are motivated when their effort is recognised over just their results. Praise them when they show perseverance, follow a self-planned study schedule or try different methods to tackle difficult subjects.
For teens who appear disengaged from studying, address it with empathy. For example: “I know sometimes it can be hard to focus. What would help you feel ready to tackle your revision now?”
Encourage them to reflect on their experiences to plan their exam revision, fostering a sense of autonomy and motivation. Try asking: “Would you like to tackle history first, or do you prefer to start with your favourite subject?”
When appropriate, provide constructive advice that leads to concrete actions. Instead of saying, “You need to try harder,” you can suggest: “How about we aim for 25 minutes of focused revision, then have a snack break?”
Also, refrain from using language that suggests comparison. For example, do not ask about their friends’ revision progress or the number of practice papers that others have completed.
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What is on your mind?
If teenagers are reluctant to open up, how can you provide support during exam periods without being intrusive?
Miss Kang suggests that you respect your children’s readiness to receive help by using phrases such as, “Would it be helpful if I…” or “I am here if you need anything”.
The key is to be consistently available and supportive, while allowing them control over their preferred level of engagement.
Strengthen your bond by connecting during everyday activities, such as walking to the bus stop together. Use this time to discuss your day and invite your teens to share theirs.
Strive to understand and respect their communication style, and observe when and how they are most receptive.
However, showing care for teenagers during exam periods extends beyond simply asking about their revision progress. Non-verbal ways, Miss Kang says, can be equally impactful.
You can make sure they have enough stationery, that the home environment remains conducive while they study, and that their comfort foods are available.
Ms Yap from Lakeside Family Services adds that thoughtful gestures such as a text message, a handwritten note, a warm smile or a gentle pat on the back can also help.
“I like sending my children funny WhatsApp stickers or light-hearted videos to add a dose of humour during stressful moments,” shares the mum of three children, aged between 25 and 31.
Miss Kang adds that you should pay attention to distress signals such as changes in your teens’ sleeping habits, appetite or mood.
“Addressing these issues can sometimes be more effective than having conversations about exam revision,” she says.
Acknowledging your teens’ exam stress
Fuhua Secondary School’s Miss Germain Kang (centre) suggests that parents show empathy to their children. ST PHOTO: BRIAN TEO
Many parents are familiar with the saying: “Exam results do not define our children’s worth.” But some feel that expressing this to their teens can conflict with their attempts to encourage them to study hard and persevere.
Miss Kang says you should assure your children that your love for them is unconditional – and this is also regardless of their exam scores.
Beyond the results, you want to inculcate and affirm values such as resilience, hard work, discipline and effort. These qualities will better equip them to navigate future challenges and even failures as independent adults.
“Poor exam results will not define them if they learn from their mistakes and understand how they can do better,” says Miss Kang. She adds that parents can help identify areas where their kids have shown improvement and focus on their growth.
And you can still help your children see that exam results do matter for their goals, such as getting into their dream schools. It is useful to chat about the different paths they can take for their education.
Ultimately, you should empathise with your children and acknowledge that exams are tough, says Ms Yap. It is common for teens to feel overwhelmed, expressing sentiments such as “I can’t finish my revision” or “I’m going to fail”.
Instead of immediately dismissing or correcting these feelings, show that you get what they are struggling with and make sure they feel listened to. Then, gently steer them towards more positive and realistic outlooks, like “I’ll do my best” or “I can tackle this step by step”.
Ms Yap shares: “My three young adult children have gone through the rigours of the O- and A-level exams, a journey that often feels like a marathon. It demands not just academic effort, but also endurance and resilience.”
You can be your children’s cheerleader, offering steady support and encouragement every step of the way.
Ayden, who did the six-year Integrated Programme at NUS High School, offers this advice for teens.
“Focus on your own journey and don’t compare yourself with others. I know this is easier said than done, but worrying about how you measure up to others only creates unnecessary stress and anxiety,” he says.
“As long as you stay determined and have faith in yourself, you can improve and achieve results that you can be proud of.”
Ms Yap also shares some dos and don’ts as you support your teens through their exams.
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Don’ts
Nag or criticise: Avoid making comparisons or using negative labels and harsh language. Comments like “You should study harder” or “You’re so lazy” can erode their confidence and motivation. Instead, choose words that are constructive and supportive.
Transfer your anxiety: Children are highly attuned to their parents’ emotions. If you appear overly anxious, they are likely to feel it too. If you can show them how to handle stress calmly, it will help them manage their own feelings better.
Dos
Trust and encourage: Have faith in your teens’ ability to discover effective study methods. Offer phrases like, “I believe in you. I see you persevering. Keep up your wonderful efforts.” Ms Yap shares that her children used to study at Starbucks or with their friends online. “It did not make sense to me at first, but it helped them feel less stressed, added joy to their studying, and gave them positive peer motivation,” she says.
Celebrate progress: Even small gestures can make a significant impact. Mark milestones with special treats or their favourite food. These moments bring joy and reinforce that their hard work is noticed and appreciated.
Chatting with your kids after exams
After an exam, and with more papers possibly on the horizon, it is crucial for parents to communicate effectively with their children to prevent unnecessary stress and misunderstandings.
Miss Germain Kang, year head for upper secondary at Fuhua Secondary School, offers the following advice:
Teens can feel suffocated by excessive monitoring of their studies, micromanaging of their schedules, nagging and unsolicited advice. ST PHOTO: KUA CHEE SIONG
What parents should avoid
Immediate post-mortems: Children often feel emotionally vulnerable after an exam, replaying mistakes in their minds. Questions about their performance, such as “Which questions were difficult?” or “Did you finish all the questions?” can heighten their anxiety and may affect their confidence for the remaining papers. What your kids need is support for what is coming up. Save reflections and deeper talks for later.
Asking for grade predictions: Questions such as “Do you think you will score an A?” creates unnecessary stress and expectations.
Comparisons: Comparing with peers (”How did your friends find it?”) or past assessments (”Was it easier than the practice papers?”) adds pressure to your children.
False reassurance: Phrases like “I’m sure you did fine” can actually be unhelpful when your children genuinely struggled. It may also make them feel pressured to meet your hopeful expectations.
What parents should do
Affirm effort and strengths: Cheer your kids on for their hard work. You can say: “You’ve put in good work preparing for that paper”, “One paper down, you’re making progress” or “Well done for getting through that one.”
Keep check-ins simple and present-focused: Ask about their emotional state, not their performance. “How are you feeling right now?” is a good example.
Offer immediate support: Focus on practical needs. “Are you hungry? Shall we have lunch?” or “Do you want to rest before thinking about the next paper?” or “What would be most helpful now – some downtime or getting straight into preparing for tomorrow’s paper?”
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Elisa Chia is a correspondent at The Straits Times, writing parenting and lifestyle features.
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