Once, when he was 14, he asked me if he could have a pair of Nike Air Force 1 shoes.
“Buying these shoes is not a need. You can help us with additional housework chores to earn extra pocket money to buy what you want,” I told my son, determined not to abandon our “low-maintenance” child-rearing philosophy.
Before you call me a crazy mum who does not love her child enough, let me explain the rationale for raising children to be low-maintenance so that they grow up more resilient and emotionally mature.
This would also help parents achieve greater financial security for themselves, as they do not end up spending a fortune on their children.
What is a low-maintenance child and how does it help?
A low-maintenance child is one whom you do not overindulge nor overspend on.
In an increasingly volatile world of rising prices and uncertainty, job crises can happen more frequently during our children’s lifetime, especially with rapid technological disruptions and climate change.
Parents should not assume their children would have the same earning power and job stability they had in their lifetime.
As parents, they should instil in their children the ability to see beyond material possessions and develop good money habits.
This would help the child to grow up learning to live within his or her means, without succumbing to social pressure to acquire things he or she does not need.
So, how do you raise a low-maintenance child?
Change your own perspective
Psychoanalyst Carl Jung said: “The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents.”
When parents project their unfulfilled dreams or expectations onto their child, they end up putting undue pressure on both the child and themselves.
What should be done instead is to take the time to identify your child’s innate talents and gifts.
In my son’s case, we decided not to sign him up for more Python coding classes – which were the rage then and still are due to the Government’s push for digitalisation – when he did not show any interest.
Instead, we used the money for family trips to get him to experience foreign cultures and learn beyond textbooks.
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Teach the child how to learn independently
A recent Pisa education survey found that 15-year-old Singapore students received less parental support with their studies than the global average.
This is not because parents do not care, but because they feel it is better to leave this to teachers and tutors, as the school syllabus has changed so much. They are happier being their child’s driver, going from one tuition class to another.
What I found more effective for my son was to spend time with him, ask him how he was coping with his schoolwork and help him find ways to tackle problems until he became more confident dealing with them on his own.
As parents, showing support to your child, piquing his or her curiosity and engaging him or her would work better in the long run than simply outsourcing the task to a tutor.
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Teach responsibilities beyond studying
Encouraging children to do chores at home, such as cooking simple meals and cleaning the house, helps them pick up life skills and builds their sense of ownership and responsibility.
A 2002 University of Minnesota analysis of data collected over a 20-year period found that the best predictor of success in young adulthood, on measures related to education completion, career path and personal relationships, was whether they began doing chores at an early age – as young as three or four.
To inculcate a sense of responsibility, my son has been tasked with household chores since he was in primary school. This was to make sure he did not become spoilt and have a sense of entitlement, especially as we have a domestic helper.
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Teach gratitude and give experiences
Studies have shown that children who express gratitude often grow up to be less materialistic and are generous towards others.
When my son was 10, we began sponsoring a child in a Cambodian orphanage, and we have made several trips to it in the past nine years.
The visits were an eye-opener for him, and he learnt that happiness did not come with having material things and not to take things for granted. He saw how the orphans were so grateful for what little they had.
When he did well in his exams, his reward was not the latest gadgets, but new experiences.
For acing a test in Primary 2, we rewarded him with a day out – visiting the spots featured in the Singapore edition of the Monopoly Board Game. It was a fun day of quality family time, exploring places such as Nassim Hill and Connaught Drive.
With limited time, energy and money, parents tend to think short term, and that their job is done if their child scored good grades and a university degree that will ensure a well-paying job.
They risk overspending to make this happen, neglecting to instil the right values in their child.
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With a low-maintenance child, parents can plan for more financial security.
My husband and I have found it difficult at times not to be like other parents who spare no expense for their child. But by sticking to our parenting philosophy, our low-maintenance child has allowed us to plan for our retirement.
Our son, who at 19 is still a low-maintenance work in progress, will head off to university after his national service. He seems to have the maturity for financial prudence and a generous heart in his dealings with others.
With this peace of mind, the ability to retire early from our parental duties will be our greatest reward.
Loh Shurn Lin is an independent consultant and mentor, advising companies on business strategies and mentoring adults keen on starting their financial independence journey.
