Some evidence comes in the form of video footage, like for road traffic accidents, and they can be hard to watch. There is also footage showing parents in a heated argument, escalating into physical exchanges – all carried out before their helpless children.
Several months ago, I stumbled upon some heartbreaking footage, recorded without audio, that stayed with me for some time.
For context, it is about a family on the verge of a break-up. The father had left home, leaving the mother behind to carry the burden by herself.
Weighed down by the stress of work and caregiving, the mother was caught on camera packing her things into a bag. I was told she left the house that day.
But she returned after about an hour. She had never intended to stay away. She just needed to find an outlet for the betrayal she felt when the father suddenly left the family.
More than two years had passed. Although he visited the children on various occasions, the couple remained separated.
The poignant part comes next. The silent footage showed the couple’s young daughter walking into the room. She rummaged through every drawer and found them empty.
She then gently closed them and walked over to the bed where her parents once slept. She sat down and turned her body around and fell face first on the pillow. It seemed that she was weeping silent tears.
I could identify with how that child felt at that moment. I had a similar experience nearly 40 years ago.
I had returned home with my PSLE results. I did not do well. I knew I had disappointed my father. I hesitantly showed him my results. He did not say a word. He was having his lunch in the middle of the afternoon and he was silent after taking a look at the results.
I was hoping he would say: “It’s okay, son, we will work this out together.” I was hoping for a warm pat on the back, but I got a cold brush-off. Keeping a brave front, I then went to shower. As the water ran over my face, I wept.
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Although the sting is long gone, I have learnt empathy from that experience. I was trained to be more emotionally sensitive as a husband and a father. It is said that you never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory. The memory of my experience was like a chisel that shaped me.
Our children shed silent tears too. Not every moment of that is captured on video. As parents, we see only the tears that are not hidden.
As they grow up, they tend to keep their tears to themselves. With a longing for privacy, they start to build their own walls. They let in only those they trust. Parents should count it a privilege if their child trusts them enough to let them in.
As they cry in the dark, they may not fully understand the confusion, uncertainty and anxiety within them. But I am sure they long for us to say, “my child, you are not alone”.
How we as parents respond to our children’s silent tears means a lot to them. At that young, impressionable age, we are their world.
No family is perfect. Parents also shed silent tears. But I have learnt that our brokenness is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that we are only human. And I empathise with that mum who lost it for a moment when she packed up and left.
I return to that young daughter who shed silent tears on the bed. It is heartbreaking, but what the footage did not show was her mum returning to her that same day.
I can imagine her relief. I can imagine her running over to hug her mum. That is the beginning of healing, with this unspoken assurance, “my dear, you are never alone.”
I recall my healing too. That day, about 40 years ago, my tears may have been washed away by the water, but over time, my dad and I bonded. We recalled the opportunities missed and made amends. In our own ways, we bridged the gap.
Michael Han is a father of three and managing partner of a legal firm.
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