It is one of the ways she is attempting to “reparent” herself – by meeting emotional needs she says were neglected during her childhood.
The idea of reparenting has been around for decades, but the practice has flourished in recent years as interest in trauma-informed therapy has soared. It is now the subject of books, podcasts and TikTok hashtags.
In reparenting, patients are empowered to find their hurt “inner child” and help it feel loved so that they can develop a stronger sense of self and better relationships with others.
It is not an easy process. “I’m always telling people, reparenting your inner child is messy, uncomfortable and awkward,” said Ms Nicole Johnson, a licensed professional counsellor in Boise, Idaho, and the author of a new book on the topic.
But when her clients acknowledge their pain and view it through the lens of their younger selves, she said, they tend to have more self-compassion and gradually drop the coping mechanisms from their childhood that are no longer helpful.
Origins of the concept
Reparenting originated in the 1960s, when therapist Jacqui Schiff encouraged her patients with schizophrenia to live with her and then regress back to childhood. She assumed the role of a caregiver and cradled her clients, even asking them to wear diapers and feeding them bottles.
Initially, Ms Schiff was widely admired for her unconventional methods, which she claimed could “cure” schizophrenia. Then a patient died while under her care. She was later found guilty of ethics violations and her techniques were widely criticised and condemned as an abuse of power.
In the 1970s, reparenting was reimagined by psychotherapist Muriel James. She believed it should be a self-directed pursuit where patients, not the therapist, played the role of a loving parent to their inner child. This is the version of reparenting that is most accepted and practised today.
Dr Jordan Bate, an associate professor of clinical psychology at Yeshiva University, said reparenting resonates with people because it offers a language for talking about how past experiences shape the way they feel now, and highlights the ways in which defence mechanisms are used to navigate pain.
What is your inner child?
The idea that people have an inner child dates back nearly 100 years.
The concept is often credited to Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung, who once wrote that inside every adult “lurks a child – an eternal child, something that is always becoming, is never completed, and calls for unceasing care, attention and education”.
But it can also be partly attributed to Sigmund Freud, who emphasised the lasting effects of childhood, and to the clinicians behind attachment theory, who suggested that early emotional bonds with caregivers shape who people become later on.
Self-help evangelist John Bradshaw helped popularise the phrase “inner child” in the 1990s. He argued that physical or emotional abuse or neglect during childhood can create lasting emotional wounds, leading to feelings of shame, self-blame and guilt that have become the “major source of human misery”. Hence, adults may have difficulty forming healthy relationships, engage in self-destructive behaviour or develop a harsh inner critic.
At the time, some experts viewed Bradshaw with scepticism or equated his work with pop psychology. He was even parodied in an episode of animated series The Simpsons (1989 to present).
Today, therapists sometimes invoke the inner child as a conversational tool to help their patients process thoughts, experiences and feelings from childhood that they are carrying into adulthood. The inner child symbolises the parts of the self that were “not safe to show” during childhood and the “feelings that were not allowed to be expressed”, Dr Bate said.
What reparenting looks like
Some reparenting strategies can be tackled independently, but Dr Bate said it is best to seek help from a therapist because exploring unmet needs from childhood can lead to grief, anger, shame and loneliness.
In some cases, therapists might ask patients to imagine interacting with their younger selves and think about what that child is feeling and what they might want to hear in that moment.
Or patients may write letters to their younger selves to validate the pain that they experienced in the past, and practise treating themselves with more kindness.
If patients are speaking to themselves harshly or overreacting, like their parent used to do, a therapist can help them change that behaviour.
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Experts said to keep in mind that reparenting is a technique, not a stand-alone therapy.
It is also not a simple fix, so people should not assume “all I have to do is talk to myself in a kinder, calmer way”, said Dr Erin Hambrick, a researcher and therapist focused on childhood trauma in Kansas City, Missouri.
For Ms Wells, reparenting has been helpful. Before she started it a couple of years ago, she said, she was a perfectionist and a people-pleaser who equated emotions with weakness. To avoid getting hurt by others, she relied only on herself.
“There was the me that was put into place to protect me, but also kept me from opening up to anybody,” she said. “And now there’s the real me,” she added, “that is learning how to experience life.” NYTIMES
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