This strict approach that prioritises academic success, traditionally associated with Asian cultures, is parodied to perfection in the 2024 hit Chinese movie, Successor.
A wealthy couple trade their mansion for a rundown apartment, so their son learns the value of thrift and hard work. Undercover specialists impart educational nuggets at every touchpoint of his life outside school, whether he is grocery shopping or interacting with neighbours.
Even the boy’s disabled “grandmother”, who lives with them, is a master teacher in disguise. Eventually, their carefully curated set-up is busted when he becomes a teenager and realises that all is not what it seems.
The film’s laugh-out-loud take on tiger parents may be satire, but it still resonates in today’s highly competitive Asian societies.
Almost 45 per cent of Singapore parents still resort to physical punishment such as spanking or hitting to discipline their child, a 2021 study by the Singapore Children’s Society and Yale-NUS College found.
In recent years, newer parenting philosophies like gentle parenting – which emphasises empathy and respect for the child – have become popular among younger parents.
Gentle parenting has also come under fire for potentially shielding kids from real-world adversities and setting unrealistic expectations for parents, who may feel guilty when they fail to display high levels of patience and emotional regulation.
The truth is, there is no one-size-fits-all approach and every stage of child development has different needs, says Ms Theresa Pong, founder and counselling director of private counselling consultancy The Relationship Room.
For instance, infants thrive on nurturing and consistent routines, while school-going kids need a balance of encouragement to develop skills and boundaries to understand responsibility.
To be an effective parent, understand your child’s strengths, weaknesses and how he or she responds to guidance, she suggests. Be sure to regularly check in emotionally with your child and adjust your strategy. Help your child process his or her emotions and guide the child to articulate his or her feelings.
“Provide a safe environment for growth while setting firm yet compassionate boundaries. Compassionate boundaries combine clear expectations with empathy, ensuring the child feels heard while limits are upheld,” adds Ms Pong.
Ms June Yong, lead of Programmes-X at local Christian charity Focus on the Family Singapore, says there are ways to adapt gentle parenting methods to each family’s needs.
“If you are parenting a strong-willed child, it may help to dial up your assertiveness while maintaining an empathetic approach. Take time to listen to your child and understand what matters to him or her,” she says.
“Conversely, if you are parenting an easy-going child while you are more of a disciplinarian, you may need to dial down on your rigidity and be more warm and affectionate. Otherwise, your child may struggle to connect with you.”
In disciplining children, parents often neglect to control their own emotions and use harsh words or actions, which may backfire when their kid does not learn the desired lesson, she adds.
They may also focus on changing their child’s external behaviour, such as forcing him or her to say “sorry” for hitting a sibling. Instead, parents should try to help the child understand how he or she hurt his or her sibling’s feelings (other-awareness) and the trigger that provoked the action (self-awareness), she adds.
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Here, parents with older children who have weathered the various stages share the parenting practices that have worked for them.
Set family values
Having common values can help children understand the family’s dos and don’ts, as well as what is expected of them, some couples believe.
Coach and counsellor Effendy Ibrahim and his wife Suliha Yusoff, both 52, have five family values they and their four children abide by: excellence, prudence, giving, sustenance and love.
Mr Effendy Ibrahim and Madam Suliha Yusoff believe having common values can help their children understand the family’s dos and don’ts. ST PHOTO: KEVIN LIM
“We tell our kids: ‘This is the way we do things around here and you can hold us to account, but we’ll hold you to account for these as well’,” says Mr Effendy, founder of AYD Coaching & Counselling and a former senior executive in the tech industry. Ms Suliha, a former mathematics teacher, is now a stay-at-home mum and part-time tutor.
Excellence, for instance, means setting standards for themselves and not comparing themselves with others.
In academic terms, this means that he and his wife do not ask their children, aged 18 to 25 in 2025 and still in school, how their friends did. Instead, they find out if the kids did their best.
“It’s all about the effort they put in, not about the outcome,” says Mr Effendy, who is a volunteer with Bapa Sepanjang Hayat (Dads for Life), a fathering movement of the Malay-Muslim community under the non-profit Centre for Fathering.
Sustenance, on the other hand, means committing to something that they started and showing resilience to see it through.
Entrepreneur Yvon Bock, 46, says her four children aged 14 to 20 abide by three family rules. They are filial piety, respectfulness – such as not interrupting when elders speak – and “family comes first”, which means celebrating family events and festivals together.
Be firm but flexible
Mr Effendy allowed his children to play with the Nintendo Game Boy when they were younger, but their gadgets came with a “pact”, an acronym for the rules he set for their screen time use.
“P” was the permission they had to get; “A” was the attitude they had towards keeping the home clean, which earned them screen time; “C” was taking care of their gadgets; and “T” for time limits and regular eye breaks.
“We put the rules in place, but we are otherwise supportive of them so they don’t feel like they are constrained,” he says.
Similarly, all four boys have a midnight curfew, even though his older three are adults. He grants exemptions, such as when one has school-related projects or a charity event.
“This is not about us being inconsistent. It’s about us applying exemptions and exceptions when we feel it’s warranted, because sometimes they can get the impression that ‘Oh, it’s not fair, you let my brother do this,’” he says.
The same principle of flexibility applies to raising children with contrasting personalities.
Entrepreneur Yvon Bock (centre) says it is important to adapt your parenting style to the child’s personality. She is here with her husband, Mr Leon Bock (second from right) and their four children (from left) Kimberly, 14, Russell, 20, Lucas, 16, and Brandon, 18. PHOTO: COURTESY OF YVON BOCK
Ms Bock, founder and chief executive of baby bottle brand Hegen, had “a rude shock when everything we knew did not work, and we had to relearn everything” once her children became teenagers.
“We had to adjust for one of our sons as he felt we were too controlling. We then learnt that what he needed was more of a coaching or cheerleading style of parenting – celebrate his every success and guide him when he encounters challenges instead of solving the problems for him,” she adds.
Teach independence from a young age
When Caleb Lim was about five years old, he could make a simple breakfast for himself. At age seven, he learnt to wash his shoes and, by 11, he was ironing his school uniform.
Today, the 18-year-old, who studies sports science at Republic Polytechnic, still cleans his own toilet in the family’s three-bedroom apartment in western Singapore.
Ms Selina Ang taught her only child, Caleb Lim, to be independent from a young age. At five years old, he could make a simple breakfast for himself. ST PHOTO: NG SOR LUAN
His parents chose not to have a domestic helper to teach him the value of shared responsibility and contributing to the household.
“It’s about fostering an environment where hard work, thrift, and gratitude are paramount,” says his mother Selina Ang, 49, an associate director in marketing communications and corporate sustainability at a professional services company. She is married to a civil servant.
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Discipline with love, not anger
Discipline is a controversial topic among Asian parents. Mr Effendy says he used to cane his sons on the palm for lying, a major infraction in his household, when they were in kindergarten.
“The act itself is not an act of anger, it’s a reminder that this cannot happen again. It’s also about talking to them afterwards – where does lying bring you? We invest a lot of time talking to our boys,” he says.
When they were in primary school, they had to do push-ups and remain in a quiet corner as punishment. Once they were in secondary school, he replaced that with “a lot of conversations and dialogues”.
Having a set of family values also helps him explain to them why certain types of behaviour are not acceptable.
He adds that his open communication style reaped dividends, when one of his sons was scammed of $2,000 online and immediately reported it to his parents instead of trying to hide it from them.
Encourage thrift and prudence
Parents can encourage thrift and prudence in their children from a young age. PHOTO: PIXABAY
Ms Ang and her husband also chose to take Caleb on holidays and mission trips around the region instead of splashing out on shopping and sightseeing trips.
When they travelled to Sweden for his floorball training and competitions during the last three years, he contributed what he could to their expenses.
“He’s come to appreciate life better,” she says.
Instead of buying their children everything they want, Ms Bock’s family has a Dada Banking System or DBS for short, in which she and her husband Leon Bock, 48, Hegen’s co-founder and chief operating officer, match their kids’ savings to encourage them.
“When we travel, we always remind them that travelling is a privilege and the kids will always be in economy class, even though Leon and I might be travelling in a different class,” says Ms Bock.
Her autobiography, Extraordinary, topped The Straits Times’ bestseller list for non-fiction books for the week of Nov 9, 2024.
Get to know them as individuals
Every four months, Mr Effendy and his wife go out on a date with one of their children. The kids choose the venue and the couple use the opportunity to get to know them better as individuals.
“That helps us in learning about them and, when it comes to hard topics, we know who’s better positioned to speak calmly and get the message through,” he says.
“We also have a private WhatsApp group with each of them for anything they want to share and discuss with only us.”
‘Worldproof’ your child
It is a parent’s instinct to protect, but Ms Ang is “worldproofing” Caleb, so he will be less entitled and more resilient.
When he was younger, she would celebrate his birthday once every few years instead of annually. She also taught him that for every toy he bought, he would have to give up another one from his stash.
“He understands that the world doesn’t revolve around him. He knows that unconditional love doesn’t mean we tolerate every behaviour or indulge every whim. The only guarantee in life is parental love; everything else is a privilege to be earned,” she says.
Stephanie Yeo is senior correspondent at The Straits Times’ Life section.
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