scolding for nothing

Aiyoh, why are you leaving work so late when you need to wake up early to get your children and breakfast ready in the morning, asked a cabby within seconds of meeting me for the first time in his car at almost midnight.

I didn’t know that the price of a ride included an instant nuclear family – which did not exist for me outside of the cabby’s mind – and that I was disappointing family, society and all of mankind just by breathing and being female.

Blank woman paper doll

It was a bit of a shock being seen that night as a blank woman paper doll for people to dress up – or give me a dressing down – in a female stock role of the nurturing mother or the selfish money-faced witch.

“Earn so much money for what,” he sniped at my weird working hours from behind his wheel. After all, children are important.

I agree that they are important and what if the money is going towards their needs, wants and dreams, I said in my mind, and what if I can earn a bigger salary to give everyone a good life.

“The father can get the children ready in the morning. The mother can earn the money,” I continued saying, but this time out loud.

Metaphorically speaking, because… what children? Why did the cabby put mummy paper doll clothes on me, and why am I wearing them?

Well, I was keeping the mummy hat on for at least the duration of the ride so that I can defend working mothers with weird office hours from being called bad mums.

Is getting children and breakfast ready something that only women can do?

“Aiyah, earn so much money for what,” he could only repeat.

Is the mother’s money earned with love no good?

Is the father’s breakfast prepared with love no good?

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‘Earn so much money for what’

If there are a lot of people here sharing the cabby’s point of view, then throw Singapore’s upcoming parental leave enhancements out of the cab window.

Under the amendments to the Child Development Co-Savings Act, parents-to-be will get another 10 weeks of shared leave on top of their current leave entitlement, bringing the total amount of government-paid parental leave to 30 weeks by April 1, 2026.

From April 1, 2025, eligible fathers of Singaporean children will also be entitled to four weeks of mandatory government-paid paternity leave.

But why bother when the cabby and some others of his ilk may spend such daddy leave sitting on the sofa as the new mummies take care of the babies and clean the house, vacuuming under the legs that such men are shaking in front of the telly?

In the US, women spend 47 minutes more on housework on average than men each day, according to the US Bureau of Labour Statistics. That adds up to roughly 5½ hours each week, and that is not including childcare, grocery shopping or errands, which the bureau classifies in other categories and of which women also do far more.

Among dual-career couples, women do more housework – even when they earn more money than their partners, said a 2023 Bloomberg report.

It said women pay a steep economic penalty for being so helpful. Looking at comparative data across countries, the more housework men do, the more women there are in leadership roles in government and business.

“Earn so much money for what…”

We earn it to feed ourselves and the ones we love without begging for handouts from chauvinists.

We earn it to have options for getting away from men who drive women back to stereotypical gender roles of yesteryear.

We earn it so we would not have to listen to someone telling us what to do with our own time, money and dreams.

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Womb questions

The conversation in the cab came as something of a shock to me because, for years, I have not had to put on a gendered hat.

Once you grow older and get clear of the personal questions about what you would like to do with your womb, it is easier to live in a more carefree manner in which your gender does not matter.

In my work life, I suppose I am lucky that my gender or even species – I could be a cat typing at a keyboard for all they cared at the office – mostly does not matter as long as the work is done and delivered.

It must have helped that Singapore ranked eighth worldwide out of 166 countries and first in the Asia-Pacific for having a low level of gender inequality in the 2024 United Nations Gender Inequality Index.

The Straits Times reported in 2024 that when comparing male and female Singapore residents with similar characteristics in age, education and occupation, the adjusted gender pay gap was 6 per cent in 2023. This is down from 6.7 per cent in 2018. The adjusted gender pay gap reflects unmeasured characteristics, like differences in the effects of parenthood and caregiving responsibilities, which women tend to shoulder more than men.

So my gender mostly does not matter until occasions like International Women’s Day, which falls on March 8, come around.

Then, instead of being shocked like in the cab, I am gently bemused when asked if I would like to write something about the theme. I at first did not think I had any special insights into being female. This was until I realised in a meta moment that perhaps I did have some, because women get asked gender-specific questions.

Women get asked what they would like to do with their wombs and get judged for it.

Women get asked by complete strangers why they are working late when they should be waking up early to take care of the children and breakfast.

When I get asked these questions, I instantly develop special insights into being a woman.

I usually peacefully go through life not taking an active part in feminist battles and affirmations, which sometimes come in a form such as International Women’s Day, rightly celebrating the achievements of women and marking a call to action for gender equality.

I prefer to simply occupy the space which I believe I am entitled to as a full member of the human race without referring to my gender.

In fact, my hope is that one day, calls to action for gender equality and women’s days will no longer be needed when females are treated as equal members of humankind.

After I got out of the cab, I kept the mummy hat on for a while longer and had a last question in my head for the cabby.

What makes you think that a mother, metaphorical or not, won’t get up early to get breakfast and her children ready just because she regularly arrives home late from work?

Denise Chong is a senior executive sub-editor at The Straits Times. She also writes opinion pieces.

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why so difficult to Ask for help

For an hour, my hand ached as I cut, tore and swore at a 2m reinforced cardboard box that had carried the fridge. The delivery man did not want to take the cumbersome box away, and I was too mentally tired to debate with vendors again about what their job commitments were to make them fulfil them.

I took breaks after each tough cardboard wall was broken down, otherwise I might have broken down too. The stress of moving stuff in a mountain of boxes, taking delivery of new goods and renovation tasks is bruising – literally and metaphorically – but even then, I found it hard to accept offers of help.

Why do some of us find asking for and accepting help so difficult?

‘More stressful than childbirth’

If ever there was a good time for getting help, it would be during one of the most stressful events in our lives, according to a survey.

Moving house ranks among life’s most stressful experiences, surpassing even childbirth, job interviews and dental procedures, according to a survey cited by British media outlet The Independent.

The loss of a family member was voted the most stressful event (65 per cent), while caring for an elderly or sick relative and getting divorced or separated tied for second place.

Moving house followed closely, chosen by 33 per cent of respondents. It was notably ahead of having a child, and losing a friend, each of which was picked by 19 per cent of respondents.

But on the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory, it limped in at a more modest stress level: 25 points as opposed to the top stressor – death of spouse – at 100 points, and the second-highest stressor of divorce at 73 points. This is a stress scale created in the US by psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe to determine a person’s level of stress, as they found overwhelming evidence that increasing levels of stress seemed to contribute directly to physical illness.

Well, I staggered around carrying quite a lot of stress as I had to move my home contents at least four times in about as many months, as my stuff was scattered around various places.

While I don’t think it works out to 25 points of stress multiplied by four to make it to the top of the stress scale, it somehow feels like it should be higher up there.

My limbs were dotted with bruises from grappling with heavy items and climbing up and down ladders and chairs.

I felt as destroyed as that giant fridge box after I was done cutting it up.

Should one simply yelp ‘help’?

For some people, not asking for help could truly be about being confident of cleaning up after themselves.

For example, I knew someone who wanted to drive herself to the hospital after injuring herself so badly that she needed surgery.

For many people, it can be humbling or embarrassing to ask for help at any point, but it is especially so at a point where a mistake was made. It may not be just a matter of an individual’s pride. This could be a part of the human condition.

As early as age seven, children begin to connect asking for help with looking incompetent in front of others, recent research from Stanford University suggested, reported Scientific American magazine. Young children do not seek help in school, even when they need it.

Research also revealed that those as young as five years old care deeply about the way others think about them.

Was I just being human when I didn’t ask for help?

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When moving house sometimes means supporting those who need help to resettle

In the first of four house moves, I had madly miscalculated the number of boxes I would need, and what could have been a clean sweep of my stuff turned into a series of smaller, messier moves.

But since I have no shame and no qualms about saying I can make stupid decisions, why didn’t I ask for help then?

Well, I wanted to at least be organised enough to describe what kind of help I needed – and when – in order to minimise the inconvenience I may cause others.

I was also prepared to go straight from Plan A to a desperate Plan Z: hire people to take everything away to do whatever they want with the stuff – sort, sell, reuse, recycle or chuck it.

This was me trying my best to clean up after myself. It was the equivalent of trying to drive myself to a hospital with my head almost cut off and dangling by a fleshy thread.

I didn’t think it was enough to simply yelp “help”.

But sitting among piles of stuff and dust on the dark day and night before I had to finally leave my home for the contractors to start work, it was my soul that left my body first – metaphorically.

This was after weeks of trying to pack and months of working out renovation details amid major separate upheavals and events at home and work.

I was out of energy.

I was out of my mind.

But apart from quietly texting friends to say that I had underestimated the number of boxes needed and asking if anyone wanted to adopt my things, I didn’t say anything about needing help.

Looking at the timing (the contractors were arriving soon), some of my friends sensed that all was not well and simply turned up to analyse and strategise, and they gave their labour, “blood” and sweat amid my tears.

Well, I wanted to weep with gratitude, but I was too bruised, exhausted and dehydrated to produce tears.

Sometimes, the help we didn’t know we wanted but needed was for others to simply turn up.

Sometimes, it was to tell us we needed help and here’s the plan (and here’s a packet of food, a cup of water and tissues for when we could finally produce tears).

Sometimes, just being offered help was enough to comfort us that beyond our own ideal Plan A and a responsible Plan B, there is still an emergency Plan C for the community to catch us if we fall.

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Helping makes people happier?

Asking for help is hard, but others want to help more than we often give them credit for, social psychologist Xuan Zhao said in the Stanford Report, adding that dozens of studies found that people often feel happier after doing acts of kindness.

I am trying to comfort and convince myself with these scholarly statements, but I am still not sure about it, as I think my kind friends suffered as they hauled my stuff around.

Another scholarly statement from the report that caught my eye was this: “The majority of help occurs only after a request has been made... people want to help, but they can’t help if they don’t know someone is suffering or struggling, or what the other person needs and how to help effectively.”

The social psychologist said: “A direct request can remove those uncertainties, such that asking for help enables kindness.”

Maybe what I can do is to ask for help earlier even if I am vague on the details, as it was also the time-pressed situation that made things more difficult.

If I had asked for it before things came to a head, plans could have been hatched and problems could have been nipped in the bud.

Next time, I should simply yelp “help”.

nutrition in children

When my son was in preschool while we were living in Dubai, he came home one day beaming with excitement. He had just learned about dinosaurs.

“Did you know the Stegosaurus had 17 bony plates along its spine, to help manage body temperature and for protection?” He spoke with the animated energy only a five-year-old can bring to the subject of ancient reptiles. This moment sparked a delightful chapter in our home – our “dinosaur era”.

A few months later, the topic shifted to space. Did you know you can remember the order of planets by saying “My Very Educated Mother Just Served Me Noodles,” he recited proudly. Then came the plant cycle.

I was proud of his curiosity and his love of learning. He was clearly absorbing the marvels of science, and school seemed to ignite a spark in him. But as the year progressed, I noticed something; he never once mentioned the human body. No organs. No bones. No systems. So one evening, I asked him: “Do you know where your liver is? Or your kidneys? Do you know what they do?” He looked at me with curiosity, wanting to learn – but unaware.

We moved to Singapore in 2022, and in the time since, I’ve noticed encouraging steps to make nutrition a bigger part of school life. But there’s still so much more we can do – especially in the early years – to connect kids with the science that matters most to their daily lives.

This feels even more urgent now, with processed foods and sugar-laden snacks and drinks so easily within reach and kids being inundated with ads and content promoting them online.

A public health imperative

The World Health Organisation estimates that 35 million children under the age of five were overweight in 2024, with almost half that number in Asia.

In Singapore, student obesity rates rose from 11 per cent in 2013 to 16 per cent in 2021. Chronic diseases such as type 2 diabetes – once seen only in adults – are increasingly diagnosed in children.

Initiatives like the Healthy Meals in Schools Programme (HMSP), which was launched in 2011, are commendable and a meaningful step in the right direction. They try to establish healthier cooking methods and promote balanced meals. In 2016, Singapore launched its “war on diabetes”, a nationwide initiative to promote healthy eating habits. In 2023, a new standard was launched to equip and support care centres and school canteens in preparing nutritious meals.

But food choices alone are not enough. Without understanding why these choices matter, the learning is superficial. Imagine teaching plant biology without explaining photosynthesis.

Nutrition is not just a health topic. It is biology, chemistry, economics, environmental science and psychology all rolled into one. And it needs to start earlier in the classrooms. 

To be clear, I’m not advocating a deep dive into methylation cycles, cytokines, immunoglobulins or the intricacies of autophagy in the classroom. But teaching nutrition is not merely lecturing children to eat their vegetables. Rather, it’s about empowerment and fostering understanding. It’s also about giving children – at every age of their development – a layered understanding of all the systems that sustain their lives and the tools to practice informed decision-making even at that early stage.

And we don’t have to reinvent the wheel. 

Integrating nutrition into education

In 2005, Japan formalised shokuiku (food and nutrition education) as a basic law. This involved school lunches being woven into the formal curriculum with opportunities for such education and building food literacy.

All students receive school lunches that are cooked onsite with fresh, whole food ingredients. Seasonal ingredients are sourced from local farms and many schools have their own farms, allowing students to experience the entire cycle from seed to plate. 

Nutrition education is taught by licensed nutrition educators to integrate food literacy into daily learning. These practices are linked – Japan has one of the most successful public food education systems and one of the lowest adult obesity rates worldwide.

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In Finland, the Basic Education Act (1998) mandates that every student receives a free school meal, and nutrition is woven into home economics, biology and health education. School meals follow strict nutritional standards and every school makes an action plan for food education individually taking health, nutrition and behavioural education into account.

In Singapore, there are efforts such as a recent initiative by NTUC First Campus’ My First Skool called Start Strong, Stay Strong for preschoolers. Students are introduced to different food groups and taught how to read nutrition labels and make better food choices. At the primary level, pupils use physical education journals to keep track of their food consumption.

While these efforts are promising, we can go further to embrace nutrition as a distinct pillar of health that deserves intentional integration into the fabric of daily school life. Let’s use nutrition education as a vehicle for learning, community connection and a lever in the public health strategy to tackle rising chronic disease rates.  

A 2020 study by researchers found that school-based interventions can promote healthy eating, improve dietary behaviour and attitudes among young children, especially when they are multi-component and involve the wider community.

The study suggests that schools – as trusted places of learning – can play a far bigger role in improving dietary practices and behaviour than previously thought.

Nutrition can be meaningfully interwoven into various subjects. Food labels can be used to teach percentages and proportions in maths, persuasive essays or food journals in languages. Classrooms can become “living labs” where activities become developmental tools to shape eating habits. 

Why it matters

Parents play an undeniable role in how we contribute to children’s eating behaviours. We serve as models and directly influence our children’s preferences by making certain foods available and through our own eating behaviour.

But too often, parents fall into the convenience trap of inexpensive, palatable, energy-dense foods that can promote overeating and inflammation.

Ask any first-time parent how much attention goes into a baby’s first food. But very quickly, after just a few months of solids, we seem to forget. 

We forget the diversity of the gut microbiota – the ecosystem of microbes in our intestines – only stabilises around the age of three. But even after three years, it still remains highly responsive to daily inputs: what we eat, what we drink, the medications we take and the stress we experience.

We forget that our gut is not merely a digestive organ but also acts like a gate keeper to our brain, so much so that it is commonly known as “the second brain”. 

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This dynamic ecosystem is being shaped every single day by the food our children consume – often without any awareness of its significance or risks. 

Evidence indicates early dietary patterns can track into adulthood and influence risks for obesity, diabetes, heart disease, cancer and even mental health conditions. These are not abstract risks but risks that are unfolding in paediatric clinics and even in my own practice. 

Our children’s meals aren’t just about today’s lunch – they’re shaping tomorrow’s health outcomes. By teaching nutrition early, consistently and joyfully, we give our children something far more valuable than a temporary grade: we give them life-long agency over their health. 

Today, with chronic diseases appearing in childhood and adolescence – conditions once common among adults – we cannot afford to ignore this. School meals serve an important learning opportunity that we don’t want to miss. 

The most important science our children can learn is happening inside their bodies. Let’s start teaching it early. 

Jieun Wrigley is a functional nutritionist and founder of nutrition consultancy Rapid Nutrition Therapy.

how long can I live

Mrs A, a 32-year-old woman with Stage IV uterine cancer, waited till her husband left my consultation room to take their three-year-old daughter to the restroom.

She then gingerly asked me: “How long do I have to live, Dr Val?” This has clearly been weighing heavily on her mind. Mrs A had decided that she was finally ready to hear the answer.

I took her hand and thanked her for asking. It must not have been easy to speak those words. Tears were shed. We discussed her reasons for asking and her fears. We also discussed her own expectations, how the answer to this question should rightly be used, and how we will fully support her no matter the trajectory.

Often, I find that our patients are more concerned for their loved ones than for themselves. And she is no exception.

“I want to be sure my family is ready and fully supported when I die,” she said.

The question of how long one has left is never easy to ask, let alone answer. Uncertainty hangs over it, and for many, the thought alone feels too heavy to face. Yet, amid this unknown, honest and open conversations provide the chance to draw loved ones closer during this time of difficulty. They are also necessary to provide the patient the best care possible.

Why the need for a prognosis?

Prognostication in cancer isn’t just about predicting survival – it is a foundational tool that informs nearly every aspect of care, from treatment planning to psychological support. Despite how it can be inaccurate, it helps ensure that patients receive care that aligns with both their clinical situation and personal values.

In simple terms, to prognosticate is to estimate the likely course and outcome of a patient. It is critically important for guiding treatment decisions, informed collective decision-making, psychological preparedness and even for end-of-life planning.

Prognostic information helps doctors to work with their patients to tailor treatment plans based on how aggressive or advanced the cancer is, and how specific treatments could change that trajectory.

Some patients with a better prognosis might avoid unnecessary toxic therapies with long-term side effects, while those with a poorer prognosis may benefit from more aggressive approaches. Others with an extremely poor prognosis may even choose to avoid treatments which are highly unlikely to bring meaningful benefit.

During my conversation with Mrs A, she asked what her final days would be like. “Will there be pain? Will it be sudden or slow?” I addressed each of these questions in turn.

Informed decision-making can collectively be done between the patient, their loved ones and their doctor. Best choices can be made about care, quality of life and goals, based on realistic and aligned expectations. Knowing the likely course of the disease also helps all involved in the patient’s care to be prepared mentally and emotionally.

Additionally, prognostication is often used to determine whether one is eligible for specific clinical trials. In healthcare systems with limited resources, prognostic data may even be used to prioritise interventions for those most likely to benefit.

Oncologists use a combination of clinical judgment, diagnostic tools and validated models to prognosticate. Many patients are also discussed in multidisciplinary tumour boards for input from surgeons, pathologists, radiologists and radiation specialists.

It’s not a countdown

Prognostication in cancer has improved significantly, but again, it is not perfectly accurate.

This is because every patient and every tumour is unique. There is biological variability between patient tumours even with the same histology, or even in different locations within the same patient – every cell within a tumour is also different.

In addition to the cancer itself, dynamic changes in a patient’s physiology, including their performance status and immune status, may not always follow a gradual trajectory and can even change suddenly. Prognostic tools and models are also limited.

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Even the best models are probabilistic, not deterministic – they give ranges or chances, not certainties. Lastly, new therapies (for example, immunotherapy) may also shift outcomes, sometimes for the better, in unpredictable ways.

It is important to recognise that prognostication in cancer is reasonably accurate at a population level (that is, predicting outcomes across groups), but less precise at the individual level. This therefore provides useful guidance but should always be used alongside clinical judgment and ongoing reassessment for change.

Prognosis should therefore be used as a guide, not a guarantee. It offers a range of possible outcomes and while it can help guide decisions, it does not define one’s future.

Navigating the uncertainty

A first step for patients and family members would be to ask for honest but balanced information. Ask your doctor to explain typical outcomes, best-case and worst-case scenarios and the factors that may shift your personal outlook.

Understand that prognosis can change. It’s something we reassess over time. Prognosis evolves with how one responds to treatment and even advances in therapy. Stay open to updates, especially in fast-moving fields like immunotherapy and targeted therapy.

Balance hope with planning. Hope and realism can live side by side. It is possible to hope for the best while preparing for all possibilities. Consider discussing advance care planning – not as a sign of giving up, but as a way of maintaining control (even with unexpected and sudden changes) and dignity.

Preparation can come in the way of wills, bank accounts, lasting power of attorneys (LPAs), advance care plans (ACPs), memories or legacies for loved ones. We may prepare for the worst but we hope for the best. There is no harm in preparing.

Focus on what you can control. No one can fully control the biology of cancer, but we can control: how we live our days, how we make our decisions, how we express our values and goals, and how we express our love and connect with our loved ones. Prognosis may be about numbers – our life is about meaning.

Seek support – medical, emotional, practical. Navigating uncertainty is extremely tough. We can use our care team, supportive and palliative care team (not just for end-of-life), support groups, and counselling to stay grounded. One does not have to carry this alone.

Having frank conversations with loved ones is encouraged. Often in our Asian society, some consider it “pantang” or bad luck to broach this topic. In reality, talking about it does not curse or doom anyone. Addressing the elephant in the room will instead facilitate open conversations and bring about a closeness with loved ones.

Prognosis is a tool, not a verdict. It serves to inform, not limit, one’s choices. The goal isn’t just to survive – it’s to live meaningfully, regardless of the timeline.

To Mrs A, I explained how my answer is a mere estimate, how these are seldom accurate and that these estimates can also change over time. It should not be taken as a hard truth and certainly should not lead to a “doomsday calendar countdown”.

We then spoke about what brings her meaning in life and what she would want for her young daughter and husband.

“I want my daughter to remember her mother for her strength, so that she may remember this when she faces her own storms. I want my husband to remarry, to find a good woman and live a full life that I cannot give. In the meantime, I want to live the rest of my days with them to the fullest.”

Dr Valerie Shiwen Yang is a senior medical oncologist at OncoCare Cancer Centre and visiting consultant at the National Cancer Centre. She is also an adjunct assistant professor at Duke-NUS Medical School.

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will and tfr money fuss free

SINGAPORE – Where there is a will, there is supposed to be a way. But while your intentions may be clearly outlined in your will, there is no guarantee they will be carried out as planned.

We have read many stories about wills being contested. Lawyers say these are mostly due to children or dependants believing that they deserve a larger share than what was stipulated in the will. It could even involve someone you do not intend to give a cent to inheriting some of your wealth.

Globally, the older generation is preparing to transfer trillions of dollars in assets to its young heirs over the next decade. Contested wills are going to become more common, especially in this part of the world where discussions about mortality have long been taboo, and viewed as a harbinger of misfortune and bad luck. 

More likely than not, there will be a variation to how you envisioned and intended your money and assets to be distributed after you are gone. 

This is where planning comes in. It allows you to leave an inheritance that aligns with your values, helps your loved ones and simplifies the overall wealth transfer process.

Going to court to contest a will can be costly, and in many cases, the cost involved just does not make financial sense to do so. 

Mr Christopher Tan, chief executive officer of Providend, a fee-only wealth advisory firm, says his richer and older clients who are business owners worry about who will run the company when they are no longer around, and whether the fair value of the business will be captured. 

He says among the things clients think about in legacy and estate planning are: “How do I ensure that my loved ones will not squander away the wealth left behind for them? How do I ensure that I leave them enough wealth to give them a head start in life but not take away the motivation of hard work?”

Some want to ring-fence their assets from their children’s spouses and in-laws. 

Just in case you think legacy planning is only for the rich, it is not, although there may be more factors to take into account when it involves a lot of money. 

“Whether one is rich or not, you will leave behind a legacy. You either leave behind a positive one or a negative one. From my experience, the wealthier one is, the more considerations one has in legacy planning,” says Mr Tan.

It is a crucial process for anyone who wants to ensure their assets are distributed as they wish and their loved ones, including the young, physically or mentally impaired, are taken care of in a way that is fair. 

Legacy and estate planning

Legacy and estate planning have often been used interchangeably, and although there is an overlap in the two, there are subtle differences, Mr Tan says.

Estate planning is about the management of your assets and liabilities after your demise. It ensures your loved ones have enough to maintain their lifestyle, and that your estate is distributed to the rightful beneficiaries using tools such as wills and trusts.

Legacy planning entails you to reflect on what truly matters to you and what you want to be remembered for. What do you hope to achieve with the assets and wealth accumulated over your lifetime? Your goals may include supporting charitable organisations, or leaving a lasting impact on the community.

These will provide the road map for the rest of your legacy planning process, helping you make decisions about asset distribution, charitable giving and other aspects of your legacy plan.

It is something that takes a lifetime to do and not just through the purchase of financial products or creating legal structures, Mr Tan says.

“If all you want is to leave behind an inheritance, estate planning is sufficient. But if you want to leave behind more than material possessions, such as passing down your wisdom and values, and creating something that outlives you, then you need to plan how you can leave behind a legacy when you are alive and through the financial assets you leave behind,” he says.

What happens without a will or a plan?

When you die without a will, your assets fall into the realm of intestacy. Simply put, the court will distribute the assets. This can lead to unintended beneficiaries receiving a portion of the estate, or even the state taking control if no eligible heirs are found. 

For instance, if you die intestate with a surviving spouse and children, half of the estate goes to your spouse and the rest is divided equally among the children. This is regardless of the state of your relationships with them at the time of your demise.

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You basically relinquish control over who inherits your assets.

Inadequate estate planning can lead to lengthy and expensive probate proceedings. Probate is the legal process of validating a will, settling debts and distributing assets. Furthermore, probate proceedings are a matter of public record, potentially exposing sensitive family and financial information to scrutiny. 

When there is ambiguity or a lack of clear instructions in an estate plan, disputes may arise among beneficiaries. Arguments over asset distribution, personal belongings and even guardianship of young children can strain relationships and tear families apart. 

With proper planning, you can minimise estate taxes through techniques such as gifting, trusts and charitable giving.

Who to leave money to?

One of the key elements of a good legacy plan is to have clear definitions of the values, the message, the wisdom that you want to pass to your loved ones, Mr Tan says. 

For instance, many of us have causes, charities or non-profit organisations that hold a special place in our hearts. Whether supporting education, healthcare, environmental conservation or any other cause, including charitable-giving in your legacy plan can make a meaningful difference in the world. 

Listing the primary beneficiaries of your legacy is a critical step as it directly shapes the impact your assets will have on the lives of others. They can include:

Immediate family: Your parents, spouse, children and grandchildren as well as siblings are often the primary focus of legacy planning. You can provide them financial security, educational opportunities or a comfortable future.

Extended family: These go beyond the nuclear family to include nieces, nephews, cousins or godchildren who can benefit from your legacy.

Close friends: If you have lifelong friends or people who hold a special place in your heart, leave them a financial gift or support.

Charitable organisations: For those passionate about giving back, legacy planning often includes charitable organisations or causes that align with your values and beliefs.

Consider a charity’s reputation, impact and financial transparency. Do your research as many smaller charities do not have the marketing budget to get their names out there. 

A senior fund-raiser in the medical field here says legacy giving to medical research and education allows donors to manage their financial situations while they are alive and make a big difference philanthropically for the future.

“It’s a remarkably powerful way of positively affecting the future of medicine and discoveries after we are gone, and helping generations of doctors as well,” she says.

Giving to charity is also a great way to help maximise your tax deductions, which can save you thousands of dollars, experts say.

If you are planning on making a charitable donation in 2025, understanding the tax strategies related to charitable contributions can help you decide how much to give, what assets to give and when to give; so you can provide the maximum amount to charity and receive the maximum tax advantages for yourself.

Whoever you choose, it is essential to consider each beneficiary’s circumstances and needs. 

Equal share may not be fair  

Legacy planning should not just address the positives but also the negatives such as concerns or potential challenges related to the inheritance. These include tax implications or legal complexities to consider as well as concerns over unequal inheritances, which can occur due to family dynamics, personal relationships and individual circumstances. 

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Some of us may feel confident that our loved ones would be able to settle disagreements amicably. But life is not a fairy tale; when money is involved, cracks can emerge and divide even a close-knit family. 

Most parents also tend to divide their assets equally among their children to avoid hurt feelings and fighting, but experts say giving each child an identical share might not be the best or even the fairest approach as in the case of a special needs child, or repayment of debt or job done, or simply a love gift for those who were there for you.

Working closely with a wealth expert can help make your legacy plan bulletproof. They can help you create a balanced approach that reflects your intentions, and foster harmony and understanding among your beneficiaries for a smooth wealth transfer.

A good plan must list the assets that you want to leave behind, where these assets are located as well as how and when you intend to transfer them, whether in your lifetime or after your death, Mr Tan says.

Never too late to start

It is never too soon to start thinking about all of this. Experts at Standard Chartered Private Bank point out that taking steps while children are still young creates more opportunities to unite family members in shared goals, and achieve the continuity and vision you are looking for.

The Government encourages everyone to start planning one’s legacy as soon as possible as sudden death and mental incapacity can happen to any of us. 

Its one-stop online portal My Legacy integrates key services related to end-of-life matters such as Central Provident Fund (CPF) nomination, lasting power of attorney (LPA), advance care planning (ACP), and will-making into a single platform. Also, its vault enables you to plan, store and share your legal, healthcare and estate matters securely with people you trust.

Start by planning your will and making your LPA, ACP and CPF nomination.

In the event you lose your mental capacity: ACP provides a guide on your healthcare preference when you are not able to speak for yourself.

An LPA gives one or more persons you choose and trust the legal right to make decisions on your behalf when necessary. These decisions cover your personal welfare, property and finances. It is advisable to choose the same trusted persons to speak on your behalf in both your LPA and ACP to avoid potential disagreements on how to care for you.

When you die: A will sets out how you would like your assets to be distributed. This excludes your CPF savings which are not covered by a will.

A CPF nomination ensures your CPF savings are distributed according to your wishes. It allows your loved ones to quickly receive your CPF savings upon your death. Without a CPF nomination, it can take up to six months for the Public Trustee’s Office to identify which of your family members are eligible to claim your savings. You just need two persons to witness your nomination online.

How do you want your heirs to benefit?

While leaving an inheritance to your heirs is a common goal, it is essential to consider how your wealth can best benefit them. 

Do you want to provide them with financial security, educational opportunities or a stepping stone to pursue their passions? It’s crucial to have open and transparent discussions with your heirs and beneficiaries about your intentions. 

By involving them in the planning process and creating a clear road map for the distribution of assets, you can help ensure that your legacy aligns with their needs and aspirations. 

Additionally, working with financial professionals can help you structure your inheritance to benefit your heirs while minimising potential tax and legal complexities. 

Ultimately, your legacy plan should reflect your desire to provide for your loved ones in a way that enriches their lives and empowers them for the future. It is your estate. Start taking proactive steps to plan for your legacy.

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how to reduce dementias

NEW YORK – New research has identified 17 overlapping factors that affect your risk of stroke, dementia and late-life depression, suggesting that a number of lifestyle changes could simultaneously lower the risk of all three.

Although they may appear unrelated, people who have dementia or depression, or who experience a stroke, also often end up having one or both of the other conditions, said Dr Sanjula Singh, a principal investigator at the Brain Care Labs at Massachusetts General Hospital and the lead author of the study. That is because they may share underlying damage to small blood vessels in the brain, experts said.

Some of the risk factors common to the three brain diseases, including high blood pressure and diabetes, appear to cause this kind of damage. Research suggests that at least 60 per cent of strokes, 40 per cent of dementia cases and 35 per cent of late-life depression cases could be prevented or slowed by controlling risk factors.

“Those are striking numbers,” said Dr Stephanie Collier, director of education in the division of geriatric psychiatry at McLean Hospital in Massachusetts. “If you can optimise the lifestyle pieces or the modifiable pieces, then you’re at such a higher likelihood of living life without disability.”

Often, the risk factors for these diseases are interconnected, and addressing one – for example, getting more exercise by going for routine walks with a friend – can also help you address others, like excess weight and social isolation.

“If you’re starting to work on one of them, very often, you’re improving multiple at the same time,” Dr Singh said. “That’s a great way to start.”

Factors that protect against brain disease

The study, which looked at data from 59 meta-analyses, identified six factors that lower your risk of brain diseases:

Low to moderate alcohol intake (consuming one to three drinks a day had a smaller benefit than consuming less than one drink a day)

Cognitive activity, meaning regular engagement in mentally stimulating tasks like reading or doing puzzles

A diet high in vegetables, fruit, dairy, fish and nuts

Moderate or high levels of physical activity

A sense of purpose in life

A large social network

Factors that increase your risk

The study also identified 13 health characteristics and habits that make you more likely to develop dementia, a stroke or late-life depression. (Altogether, the protective and harmful factors add up to 19 factors because two of them – diet and social connections – can increase or decrease risk, depending on their type and quality.)

High blood pressure

High body mass index

High blood sugar

High total cholesterol

Depressive symptoms

A diet high in red meat, sugar-sweetened beverages, sweets and sodium

Hearing loss

Kidney disease

Pain, particularly forms that interfere with activity

Sleep disturbances (for example, insomnia or poor sleep quality) or sleep periods longer than eight hours

Smoking history

Loneliness or isolation

General stress or stressful life events (as reported by study subjects)

The study looked only at risk factors linked to two or more of the three conditions. It did not prove that these risk factors directly cause the diseases; it only showed an association.

Trying to tackle all of these behaviours for brain health might feel overwhelming. But Dr Singh suggested treating the list like a menu of options. “Choose just a first risk factor and then take it step by step,” she said.

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Where to begin

The study also identified which specific risk factors and protective habits have a particularly notable effect on brain health. Addressing those, doctors said, is a great place to start.

Lowering your blood pressure can have big benefits

The study found that high blood pressure was the greatest individual risk factor for developing any of the three diseases, in large part because it nearly triples the risk of stroke.

Another paper, this one published in Nature Medicine, offers further evidence for that point. In a randomised trial of 34,000 patients in China, researchers found that patients who significantly reduced their blood pressure were 15 per cent less likely to develop dementia than those who did not.

Together, the findings suggest that getting blood pressure under control can have an outsized effect on brain health. To do this, you might start by lowering salt intake, exercising more or losing weight, said Dr Alison Moore, chief of the division of geriatrics, gerontology and palliative care at the University of California San Diego.

But those interventions are not always enough, she said, especially as people age and their blood vessels stiffen. That is when medication can help.

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Flex your physical and mental muscles

Moderate and high physical activity substantially decreased the chances of stroke and dementia, as did having a large social network.

The meta-analyses that were included defined these levels in different ways, but guidelines from the American Heart Association describe activities such as walking and gardening as moderate-intensity exercise, and running and swimming are considered vigorous or of high intensity.

Cognitive activity appeared to have the largest protective effect, reducing the risk of dementia by about 40 per cent. But the researchers noted that this finding could be, at least in part, a result of “reverse causality” – when people who are already developing dementia do less cognitively demanding activities because of their symptoms.

Still, Dr Collier said the data reaffirms her advice to patients to engage in mental tasks that are a little bit difficult – such as reading, doing puzzles or learning a new instrument. Ideally, she said, you would do those activities with somebody else, because conversation can be cognitively stimulating and because you get the added benefit of social interaction.

Start early if you can

Dr Collier said the right time to start making lifestyle changes “is generally not older age, it’s middle age”. That can prevent even early disease from developing.

But taking steps to reduce these risk factors can help prevent or slow the progression of disease later in life too. It can also benefit patients who have a family history of or genetic predisposition to these diseases, who “often feel like it’s their inevitable fate”, Dr Singh said. “There are things they can do – we all can do – to take better care of their brains.” NYTIMES

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what to expect from x

What to make of generational labels? While essentially broad-brush, they can be catchy tags that offer glimpses into the challenges and achievements that shape the attitudes and behaviour of people born during different eras.

The silent generation, born between 1928 and 1945 (the actual years vary with different definitions, but the general timeframe is consistent), bore the horrors of World War II with grace and grit. Resilient and disciplined, they were known for their strong sense of duty, which probably explains their reluctance to rock the boat – unlike their successors.

These were the baby boomers (1946-1964), who flourished in a time of post-war recovery and development. With better access to education and modern standards of living, they were the rebels of their time – more ready to break with tradition, to speak their minds and to assert their individuality.

Millennials (1981-1996), who became adults at the turn of the millennium, grew up with the internet and other 21st-century technological advancements. As a result, they’re always plugged in, and have lives, lifestyles and values that are strongly influenced by technology and the online world. 

So have members of Gen Z (1997-2012), sometimes called zoomers, who were pretty much born and bred on social media. Some consider them to be the true digital natives, even more so than millennials, but some appear to be harking back to the good old analogue days, which might explain the resurgence of LP players and film cameras.

And then you have Generation X, born between 1965 and 1980. No name, no label, just “X”. A nomenclature that proclaims mystery, anonymity – or perhaps a refusal to be typecast. 

‘Latchkey generation’

It’s sometimes called the forgotten generation, but it’s something that I, a typical Gen X-er born smack in the middle of this period, am particularly proud of. In a way, the lack of a tagline exemplifies the very characteristics that my generation is supposedly known for – reliability, pragmatism and productivity in a time of economic ups and downs, with more than a healthy dash of cynicism born of a journey through political, cultural and societal change. 

In fact, much of this generation’s self-reliance may have come from being forgotten, literally: many in this era were left to fend for themselves by parents who were busy at work. This was, after all, the “latchkey generation”, whose lives were shaped by more women entering the workforce, rising divorce rates and shrinking families. 

Growing up, Gen X-ers were caught up in tides of broader social and political change. We were old enough to see the last vestiges of old Singapore and its disappearing kampungs, live through the Cold War, and witness the collapse of Soviet-era communism. But we were also young enough to embrace modern technology, and hip enough (though that very label dates me, I know) to go online. We were born in the age of typewriters, grew up with the early computers, went to work with laptops, and now depend on mobile phones.

Now in their late 40s and 50s, the nameless generation is finally coming into its own. Around the world, Gen X-ers are quietly – as is typical of their approach – making their mark in political and corporate leadership. By some estimates, they occupy about half of leadership roles globally, despite accounting for a quarter of the global population. Tesla’s Elon Musk and Google’s Sergey Brin and Larry Page are Gen X-ers. So are Singapore Prime Minister Lawrence Wong and many of the 4G government leadership. 

But that is slowly changing, because – and this is a hard truth I have to accept – Gen X is getting old. Yes, old. The oldest Gen X-ers are turning 60 this year, and the youngest are past their mid-40s. As much as we’re arriving, it may also be time for some of us to be going.

By numbers alone, Gen X is shrinking – not just in population charts but also in the workplace. Unlike earlier generations, many of them are a little less willing to sacrifice family and self for work, a little less loyal to their employers, a little more willing to let go of positions and power, and often keener on retirement. (Yes, that’s me.) 

As a result, many Gen X-ers have given up on climbing the career ladder, eschewed top leadership posts for more “sustainable” positions, left traditional workplaces to start their own business, or are even seeking early retirement. Adding to the push are the continued reluctance of boomer leaders to vacate their posts, and high levels of stress and burnout.

That has left more energetic but less experienced millennials to take over from the ageing boomers, giving rise to leadership transitions fraught with tension and clashes from a 20-year generation gap.

Join the water-cooler talk at any office, and you’re likely to overhear stereotypical complaints of boomers being resistant to change, sticklers for hierarchy, and unable to adapt to modern technology; and millennials being disrespectful, indifferent to the needs of seniors, and unable to take hardship and uncertainty. And they’re on their phones. All the time.

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Not that Gen-X leaders are any angels, of course. We’re reputedly hard-edged, obsessively result-oriented, and overly pragmatic. We’re equally cynical about tradition and change. Which… places us right in the middle. 

In the yawning generation chasm, Gen X has been seen to have potential as bridge builders. We’re a little less resented and a little more accepted by both boomers and millennials – old enough to appreciate tradition, but not too old to consider breaking the rules.

The peacemakers

According to the Generations Project, a study of intergenerational divides in churches by Christian publisher Graceworks, Gen X-ers can play “peacemakers” because of their ability to connect with millennials and boomers.

That’s something I can attest to personally. At a previous workplace, I found myself positioned – or was it caught? – between boomer and millennial colleagues. I could identify with the former’s concerns about overturning valued traditions and tried-and-tested practices. But I also understood the latter’s frustrations with outdated ways of doing things and their desire to explore new methods and engage people online. 

Motivational speaker and author Simon Sinek, who is known for his keen observations of leadership, believes that bridging the generation gap requires greater understanding of each other’s social context, pressures and motivations. “What would work is empathy. Which is just trying to understand the things that are going on in their lives,” he noted at a talk in 2024. 

That can be challenging when the life stories of the opposing generations are so different. It might be hard for boomers, who have been taught to grin and bear it, to understand millennials’ struggles with identity, self-esteem, loneliness and anxiety. Gen X-ers have some experience of both, which places them in a better position to empathise with either side.

At my former workplace, Gen-X leaders were often able to play mediator to both sides, and help find acceptable compromises. In the publishing business, that sometimes simply came down to saying: “Look, let’s publish both print and online versions of the book, and promote it through physical leaflets, e-mails and social media, okay? And, yeah, let them pay in cash, by cheque or PayNow.” 

Unfortunately, there are fewer and fewer of us going around. Even if Gen X-ers are ready to take on the role of bridge builders, they may just not be available.

Some of the biggest challenges that Gen X-ers face are practical. They’ve been called the “sandwiched generation”, because of their dual responsibility of caring for their children and ageing parents. For many peers of mine, caregiving has become the dominant theme in their lives. Adding to the double whammy is the growing need of preparing for their own impending retirement.

They’re also sandwiched between being has-beens and still-ams. The business gurus may sing about the ongoing potential of Gen X, but the truth is, many of us are at that borderline age of employability, either in reality or in employers’ minds.

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End of the runway

At 50 to 55, it can be hard to find a new job or switch careers when the end of the runway is looming near. Some are already struggling with the latest technology and the always-on demands of social media marketing. At the same time, some of the top leadership posts continue to be occupied by boomers, putting an effective ceiling to career progression. 

It might be difficult – and ironic – for Gen X, known for our self-reliance and independence, to ask for help, but that may be what’s needed. Singapore’s roll-out of the Majulah Package, a raft of measures targeted at the 50s and early 60s, acknowledges the needs of this generation, but the means-testing approach and relatively smaller top-ups, as compared with those given to the Pioneer and Merdeka generations, reflect a simple truth: It’s not just financial help that Gen X needs.

Being generally better educated and having had more employment opportunities than their parents, Gen X-ers are less likely to be desperately short on money. What they are short on, however, is time and energy.

If Gen X-ers are to stay on as an active force at work and build bridges to smoothen the transition of leadership in companies and organisations, they will need more support for their caregiving duties and efforts to balance career, family and their own retirement needs. That means more comprehensive infrastructure and programmes to ensure that their elderly parents are seen to while they are at work, more flexibility and support for their final phase of career-building, more acknowledgment of their continued potential and contributions even as they push towards 60 and beyond, and more help with retirement planning.

And maybe, finally, some recognition and credit for this quiet, reliable, hardworking but forgotten generation. But no names, please, I’m still happy with the X.

Leslie Koh is a former journalist with The Straits Times.

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