I took breaks after each tough cardboard wall was broken down, otherwise I might have broken down too. The stress of moving stuff in a mountain of boxes, taking delivery of new goods and renovation tasks is bruising – literally and metaphorically – but even then, I found it hard to accept offers of help.
Why do some of us find asking for and accepting help so difficult?
‘More stressful than childbirth’
If ever there was a good time for getting help, it would be during one of the most stressful events in our lives, according to a survey.
Moving house ranks among life’s most stressful experiences, surpassing even childbirth, job interviews and dental procedures, according to a survey cited by British media outlet The Independent.
The loss of a family member was voted the most stressful event (65 per cent), while caring for an elderly or sick relative and getting divorced or separated tied for second place.
Moving house followed closely, chosen by 33 per cent of respondents. It was notably ahead of having a child, and losing a friend, each of which was picked by 19 per cent of respondents.
But on the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory, it limped in at a more modest stress level: 25 points as opposed to the top stressor – death of spouse – at 100 points, and the second-highest stressor of divorce at 73 points. This is a stress scale created in the US by psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe to determine a person’s level of stress, as they found overwhelming evidence that increasing levels of stress seemed to contribute directly to physical illness.
Well, I staggered around carrying quite a lot of stress as I had to move my home contents at least four times in about as many months, as my stuff was scattered around various places.
While I don’t think it works out to 25 points of stress multiplied by four to make it to the top of the stress scale, it somehow feels like it should be higher up there.
My limbs were dotted with bruises from grappling with heavy items and climbing up and down ladders and chairs.
I felt as destroyed as that giant fridge box after I was done cutting it up.
Should one simply yelp ‘help’?
For some people, not asking for help could truly be about being confident of cleaning up after themselves.
For example, I knew someone who wanted to drive herself to the hospital after injuring herself so badly that she needed surgery.
For many people, it can be humbling or embarrassing to ask for help at any point, but it is especially so at a point where a mistake was made. It may not be just a matter of an individual’s pride. This could be a part of the human condition.
As early as age seven, children begin to connect asking for help with looking incompetent in front of others, recent research from Stanford University suggested, reported Scientific American magazine. Young children do not seek help in school, even when they need it.
Research also revealed that those as young as five years old care deeply about the way others think about them.
Was I just being human when I didn’t ask for help?
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An upward spiral – how small acts of kindness and connection really can change the world.
When moving house sometimes means supporting those who need help to resettle
In the first of four house moves, I had madly miscalculated the number of boxes I would need, and what could have been a clean sweep of my stuff turned into a series of smaller, messier moves.
But since I have no shame and no qualms about saying I can make stupid decisions, why didn’t I ask for help then?
Well, I wanted to at least be organised enough to describe what kind of help I needed – and when – in order to minimise the inconvenience I may cause others.
I was also prepared to go straight from Plan A to a desperate Plan Z: hire people to take everything away to do whatever they want with the stuff – sort, sell, reuse, recycle or chuck it.
This was me trying my best to clean up after myself. It was the equivalent of trying to drive myself to a hospital with my head almost cut off and dangling by a fleshy thread.
I didn’t think it was enough to simply yelp “help”.
But sitting among piles of stuff and dust on the dark day and night before I had to finally leave my home for the contractors to start work, it was my soul that left my body first – metaphorically.
This was after weeks of trying to pack and months of working out renovation details amid major separate upheavals and events at home and work.
I was out of energy.
I was out of my mind.
But apart from quietly texting friends to say that I had underestimated the number of boxes needed and asking if anyone wanted to adopt my things, I didn’t say anything about needing help.
Looking at the timing (the contractors were arriving soon), some of my friends sensed that all was not well and simply turned up to analyse and strategise, and they gave their labour, “blood” and sweat amid my tears.
Well, I wanted to weep with gratitude, but I was too bruised, exhausted and dehydrated to produce tears.
Sometimes, the help we didn’t know we wanted but needed was for others to simply turn up.
Sometimes, it was to tell us we needed help and here’s the plan (and here’s a packet of food, a cup of water and tissues for when we could finally produce tears).
Sometimes, just being offered help was enough to comfort us that beyond our own ideal Plan A and a responsible Plan B, there is still an emergency Plan C for the community to catch us if we fall.
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Singapore one of the few major cities in Asia-Pacific region to offer attainable homes: Report
Helping makes people happier?
Asking for help is hard, but others want to help more than we often give them credit for, social psychologist Xuan Zhao said in the Stanford Report, adding that dozens of studies found that people often feel happier after doing acts of kindness.
I am trying to comfort and convince myself with these scholarly statements, but I am still not sure about it, as I think my kind friends suffered as they hauled my stuff around.
Another scholarly statement from the report that caught my eye was this: “The majority of help occurs only after a request has been made... people want to help, but they can’t help if they don’t know someone is suffering or struggling, or what the other person needs and how to help effectively.”
The social psychologist said: “A direct request can remove those uncertainties, such that asking for help enables kindness.”
Maybe what I can do is to ask for help earlier even if I am vague on the details, as it was also the time-pressed situation that made things more difficult.
If I had asked for it before things came to a head, plans could have been hatched and problems could have been nipped in the bud.
Next time, I should simply yelp “help”.
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