parents don't panic when children vape

In Singapore, where we have long upheld a zero-tolerance stance on drugs, one quiet shift is becoming harder to ignore: among youth, attitudes towards drug use are softening. Curiosity, stress and social influence, amplified by online content that downplays risk, are reshaping perceptions. This signals an urgent need to revisit what effective prevention looks like – and where it must begin.

It must begin with parents getting involved. And it can work.

For Mrs Ann Goh, the lesson came too late, even though she had spotted the signs. Her son Isaac, then 19 and serving national service, began withdrawing from the family, snapping easily, and sleeping odd hours. He lost weight. His energy and routines changed. Mrs Goh sensed something was off, but she hesitated to confront him, unsure of how to start a difficult conversation without driving him further away.

Four years later, Isaac was arrested for abusing crystal methamphetamine, or Ice. He was 23. His habit had taken root during those army days, introduced through a friend’s contact, easily obtained via apps like Telegram. By the time the family understood the depth of the issue, he was being escorted into the Drug Rehabilitation Centre (DRC).

The months that followed were painful, but transformational. Mrs Goh made a decision: she would not give up on her son. She wrote to him every single day. She visited him twice a month, bringing the self-help books he asked for, reminding him in every way she could that he was still loved, still her son. It was this consistent, non-judgmental support that gave Isaac the courage to rebuild.

Their story is a sobering reminder of what can happen when early signs are missed, but it also shows what is possible when families stay engaged. As Mrs Goh put it, if she could turn back time, she would have affirmed her love and support for her son more openly, and encouraged her husband to do the same. “This would have ensured that he would not have to seek acceptance and a sense of community from external parties, such as drug abusers and dealers,” she reflected.

Parenting done right

This need for timely, empathetic guidance is echoed across the parental forums our National Council Against Drug Abuse (NCADA) supports. One question often arises: “Why do kids still try drugs, even when they know the dangers?” The answers are never simple, but the message is consistent. Parenting in today’s world requires more than rules. It demands presence, trust, and above all, communication that begins long before a crisis.

Research backs the need for this. NCADA’s 2023 National Drug Perception Survey found that while the majority of youth believe drugs should remain illegal, only 79 per cent said the same for cannabis, compared with 96 per cent of adults. This mirrors global trends where cannabis abuse is increasingly getting normalised among young people.

The same survey also found that more than 90 per cent of youth who had conversations with their parents about drugs said they felt less likely to try them. But many parents still hesitate to have that difficult talk. Our council member, Mr Ravindran Nagalingam, who regularly engages with families, notes that shame, fear or discomfort often get in the way of such conversations. “Prevention must start at home,” he said. “Not when problems arise, but when children are still listening, even if they pretend not to be.”

Just as powerful, however, are examples of prevention done right.

One such story was shared by Mr S.B. Viknesan, a member of the National Council Against Drug Abuse. A father once confided in him about his teenage son, who had become entangled with drugs. Rather than relying solely on punishment or external intervention, the father focused on rebuilding trust. He made a conscious effort to be present for his child, including sharing meals, checking in often, and opening up space for honest conversations. These small but consistent actions helped the son regain his confidence and pull away from negative influences. It was a reminder that even when situations feel difficult, a strong emotional bond at home can serve as a powerful form of prevention.

This is the kind of quiet, preventative work that never makes headlines, but it matters.

Of course, families don’t act alone. Teachers and counsellors are vital allies. Through structured programmes and informal conversations, they reinforce values, offer emotional support, and create safe spaces for youth to speak up. Peer circles can either bolster or undermine these efforts, which is why supporting peer-led initiatives and encouraging young people to be role models is key.

But at the heart of any prevention strategy lies the home. It is where values take root, where resilience begins. When young people feel seen, accepted, and heard, the allure of escape, through drugs or otherwise, fades. And when families respond not with panic or punishment, but with understanding and resolve, they shape outcomes not just for today, but for life.

As parents, let’s remember this: prevention is not a campaign slogan. It’s a conversation, one that starts early, stays open, and never underestimates the power of family.

Tan Chong Huat is chairman of the National Council Against Drug Abuse

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manage home

In a world of hybrid working and four-day weeks, most workers are asked to be agile, creative and strategic – not just at work but also at home. But what if the energy and focus workers invest in solving family life challenges could actually make them better at adapting and innovating in their jobs?

Our recent study suggests that managing household life – what we call “strategic renewal at home” – doesn’t just benefit family functioning. It also boosts employees’ ability to generate ideas, reshape their roles and respond effectively to change at work.

In short, proactively adapting and reorganising your home life could be a hidden asset for your career.

“Strategic renewal” is a concept long associated with business transformation – think of a company reinventing its operations to respond to shifts in the market. But we argue that this same concept can apply to people managing life at home.

Imagine a working parent who streamlines their childcare routine, redistributes chores with their partner or introduces a new system for managing family meals. These efforts – far from mundane – are proactive, forward-thinking moves to adapt to a changing environment. That’s strategic renewal, just in a different setting.

Our findings show that when people engage in this kind of domestic renewal, it creates powerful ripple effects, shaping how they think, feel and perform at work.

The hidden power of home life

We followed 147 dual-earning couples in the US over six weeks. Each week, employees reported how much they engaged in strategic renewal at home and at work. We also captured their experiences of “flow” at home (those rare, deeply focused and enjoyable moments).

For instance, when someone is completely absorbed in gardening, painting a room or even following a complex recipe – activities that are both enjoyable and require focus – time seems to fly. We also captured their confidence in handling challenges (self-efficacy) and their partner’s view of how well they were managing work-family balance.

We uncovered several interesting points. Employees who took proactive steps to improve family routines felt more “in flow” at home.

These moments of flow built their confidence and self-efficacy, making them feel more capable of tackling future challenges – not just at home but at work too. That confidence translated into more strategic renewal at work. Employees were more likely to change how they approached tasks, pitch ideas or redesign their roles.

Crucially, their partners also noticed. Employees high in self-efficacy were rated as better at balancing work and family, as well as being more effective in family life.

In other words, strategic behaviour at home doesn’t stay there – it travels with us. What happens at the breakfast table can spill over into the boardroom.

But not all environments are equal. The benefits of home-based strategic renewal were much stronger when the family was supportive of creativity. When people felt free to try new things, take risks and share ideas at home, the gains from their efforts were amplified.

This could be as simple as trying out a new meal, brainstorming weekend plans together or encouraging a partner to experiment with a new hobby. These activities reflect openness, curiosity and support for creative expression in everyday life.

The same was true at work. Employees who felt their organisations fostered a climate of creativity – valuing new ideas, experimentation and autonomy – were more likely to act on their confidence and engage in strategic behaviour.

We found a big takeaway for workers. Cultivating open, creative climates in both domains makes all the difference. Encouraging new ideas at home or at work doesn’t just make people feel good – it helps workers to be flexible and adaptive.

What employers can do

There’s a crucial lesson here for organisations too. The home is not a “black box” – some kind of impenetrable space that has no bearing on work. Instead, home life can play an active and meaningful role in shaping employees’ energy, confidence and creative capacity. Home can be a source of renewal, resilience and even innovation.

Forward-thinking companies should avoid treating home and work as separate silos. Instead, they can invest in developing self-efficacy in employees. This could be providing training, coaching and feedback that reinforces workers’ belief in their ability to handle challenges.

They should also encourage family-supportive leadership. Managers who ask about employees’ home life, support flexible arrangements and accommodate caring responsibilities help create the space for home-based renewal to thrive.

And they should recognise “off-the-clock” moments. Celebrating life milestones, offering childcare support or simply acknowledging the mental load of home life all signal that organisations value the full person, not just the professional.

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For decades, companies have looked inward for solutions to innovation and adaptability – to things like better tech, better processes and better metrics. But our study found leaders should instead look outward – towards employees’ lives beyond work.

When employees reorganise their domestic life, they’re demonstrating foresight, adaptability and leadership. These are precisely the qualities workplaces are looking for in a world of constant disruption.

When workplaces start seeing the home not just as a stressor but as a source of strength, they can open the door to smarter, more sustainable strategies for resilience, creativity and growth.

So the next time you redesign your morning routine, don’t think of it as just surviving the chaos. You might just be sharpening your edge for the workday ahead.

Yasin Rofcanin is professor of management strategy and organisation, University of Bath. Siqi Wang is lecturer in organisational behaviour and human resource management, Aston Business School, Aston University. This first appeared in The Conversation.

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live to the fullest

SINGAPORE - The tears still flow for Ms Jean Ling at the memory of the accident that left her paralysed from the waist down 11 years ago.

While she was on holiday in New Zealand in March 2014, her car skidded off a road and slammed into a tree just before a planned horse-riding trip.

She had broken ribs, punctured lungs and severe spinal cord injuries. For four months, she stayed at a rehabilitation facility in Christchurch learning to navigate life with her disability.

During that time, Ms Ling, 42, said she “cried every night at the thought that I could never walk again”.

“And I wondered if I could still have a happy life, get married or take care of myself.”

The answers to those questions have been yes, yes and yes.

Despite a permanent disability, Ms Ling, a procurement executive, is living life to the fullest now and is determined to be an advocate for disability inclusion.

She will share her story of resilience and rebirth with visitors to local charity SPD at the upcoming My Community Festival, which will take place from Aug 1 to 17.

The sixth edition of the annual event, organised by non-profit group My Community, invites participants to explore how communities across Singapore experience and celebrate life’s beginnings.

There will be over 70 guided tours, experiences and discussions curated around the theme My First Journey. Topics range from post-partum rituals and confinement meals to spiritual renewal and emotional recovery.

“This year’s theme invites us to honour not just the moment we are born, but the many times we are reborn – through pain, through faith, through choice,” said My Community executive director Kwek Li Yong.

Whether it is the woman who overcomes cancer and learns to live again, the man who walks again with a new limb, or the former offender who is given a second chance – these are all first journeys long after they thought their lives were over, he added.

For Ms Ling, her “rebirth” came when she woke up to hear the doctor tell her that her spinal cord injuries meant she could never walk again.

“I’m a crazy, extroverted kind of person. Mentally, I accepted it, though emotionally I had not,” she said.

Eventually, while she was undergoing rehabilitation in New Zealand, she found strength in the courage of others whom she got to know there, such as an 18-year-old who broke her neck and injured her spinal cord after a diving mishap, and a honeymooning couple from Hong Kong who had a car accident that robbed the bride of her speech and mobility.

Back in Singapore, she spent eight months at the Transition To Employment programme at SPD, receiving therapy and support.

Through mutual friends, she met Mr Jake Oh, an engineer, and they got married in 2017.

“I thought nobody would love me,” said Ms Ling, now a mother of three children, aged four months to five years old. “The fact is, I even lost a lot of friends after the accident. We simply drifted apart. They might think they had better not disturb me, or that it was not convenient for me to go out.”

Through mutual friends, Ms Jean Ling met Mr Jake Oh, an engineer, and they got married in 2017. ST PHOTO: GAVIN FOO

Ms Ling, the face of SPD’s 2022 public education campaign which challenges societal stereotypes about people with disabilities, said: “I want more people to understand the difficulties we face every day.”

These include everyday challenges, such as wheelchair users having to compete with others to use the lifts during peak hours.

“It has to start with the young. Schools should have talks to teach children (to have) empathy towards people with disabilities. They should help the young understand what people with disabilities are going through and teach them to react appropriately around them,” she said.

She once got into a lift and overheard a child complaining to the parents: “Why does this auntie on the wheelchair want to squeeze in? I cannot move.”

Ms Ling wants to set a good example for her two daughters and a son.

While she has to depend on her husband and domestic helper to bathe her children or pick up their toys – “These seemingly simple tasks are difficult for me,” she said – she tries to be there for her children whenever she can, including preparing their meals.

Her adventurous spirit has endured too, as she focuses on the “ability” in her disability. In 2017, she returned to New Zealand to try adaptive skiing, skydiving and horseback riding.

She also challenged herself to try indoor rock climbing aided by a special harness in Singapore and scuba diving in Malaysia.

Since becoming a mother, Ms Ling has put her adventures on hold, prioritising her loved ones.

“I feel I have the responsibility to my family and not risk my life in case of another freak accident,” she said.

More information on the My Community Festival is available on https://mycommunityfestival.sg/

Chin Soo Fang is senior correspondent at The Straits Times covering topics such as community, politics, social issues, consumer, culture and heritage.

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adhd I wish what my parents know

SINGAPORE – Is ADHD a death sentence? This was the morbid question posed to me by a parent whose child had recently been diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Since sharing my story about being diagnosed with ADHD as an adult in May 2025, I have received e-mails and messages from parents who described feeling disappointed, confused or heartbroken by their child’s learning difference.

They worried if their child would be able to cope with the stress of university. If they had somehow failed as parents. If their nature or nurture was to blame. Or more practically, how they could stop their child from cutting class.

As someone whose executive dysfunction has been a bane throughout my life, I can empathise with their worries because I have lived it from the other side.

When I was 15, I could not sit still in class for hours on end and frequently played truant. Much of my secondary school years was spent listlessly riding the MRT from end to end. I dreaded school. Eventually, I dropped out at Secondary 3.

During this time, my parents sought psychiatric help for me (I was prescribed antidepressants) and even spiritual help – spending thousands on idols they hoped would ward off the negative energy they were convinced was to blame.

The arguments we had during this time were brutal, ending in tears on both sides, as my parents watched their previously “quiet and meticulous” child spiral – losing 10kg of weight over the course of a year while I was homeschooled by tutors to take the O levels as a private candidate.

Our relationship recovered when I went to polytechnic and, later, university abroad in the Netherlands, eventually clinching a scholarship to complete my master’s degree at the University of Cambridge.

In case this is of help to others, here are the three things I wish my parents knew before I was diagnosed with ADHD only at the age of 28, which made everything that came before make sense.

1. It is not your fault

In Singapore, where tiger parenting is a norm – and some parents even go on extended leave to help their children study for major examinations – many parents take personal responsibility for their child’s shortcomings.

A child struggling in school is often experienced as a parent’s moral failure, with the accompanying shame and loss of face.

Ms Theresa Pong, founder of The Relationship Room counselling centre, and whose daughter was recently diagnosed with ADHD, tells me: “When she entered the Normal (Academic) stream, I wrestled with guilt and self-blame. I had unknowingly used her Primary School Leaving Examination score as a measure of how well I had done as a parent.”

This line of thought is understandable but not helpful, as it raises the temperature of what many experience as a “pressure cooker” education system.

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A 2017 study by the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) found that 76 per cent of Singapore students reported feeling very anxious for a test even if they were well prepared, compared with the OECD average of 55 per cent.

Nearly a third of young people aged 15 to 35 reported very poor mental health, according to a 2024 study by the Institute of Mental Health.

For Ms Pong, her daughter’s diagnosis brought clarity and much-needed support.

“My daughter will be sitting her N levels next year,” she says. “And while some may still think she’s not ‘smart enough’ for the Express stream, I now see how resilient, capable and uniquely gifted she is.”

Leaving behind the language of blame and moral failure – “Why are you like this? What am I doing wrong?” – is an important step towards having a healthier and shame-free conversation about how your child’s needs are not being met and how you can better meet them.

2. Stop forcing a square peg into a round hole

Neurodivergence is not a death sentence. Neither is it a superpower. 

What it really translates into is a different way of experiencing and understanding the world, plus struggling to pay attention for prolonged periods, feeling constantly restless or expending greater effort on tasks that seem effortless to others.

Not all of these symptoms are experienced by those who have ADHD. While some struggle with inattentiveness, others wrestle with hyperactivity, and some deal with both.

The friction stems from how much of the world is not built with this in mind, such as white-collar jobs that involve long hours at a desk or classroom environments that heap shame on “disruptive” students.

Ms Alleyah, an 18-year-old student diagnosed with ADHD a year ago who declined to share her last name, wishes her parents could have understood earlier that she could not help being different.

“Growing up, I was made to feel like there was something fundamentally wrong with me,” she says. “I grew up feeling like I could never tell my parents anything because they wouldn’t understand – they would yell at me, saying I wasn’t putting in enough effort even though I had ‘potential’.”

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This often leads to “masking” – where people with ADHD consciously or unconsciously suppress or compensate for their ADHD symptoms to appear neurotypical.

Masking can involve forcing oneself to sit still, copying others’ social behaviours, avoiding situations that spotlight their difficulties or working harder to achieve the same results. 

American neuropsychologist Russell Barkley suggests that up to one-third of people with ADHD do this. While it can sometimes be useful, doing so chronically often leads to burnout, anxiety and delays in diagnosis.

Some researchers posit that masking is also the reason that fewer women are diagnosed with ADHD.

Ms Alleyah recounts: “I didn’t fit the stereotype of a 12-year-old hyperactive boy. I was a quiet, inattentive girl instead.”

In her view, chronic masking meant that her ADHD was brushed off as depression and anxiety.

Post-diagnosis, her parents have become more understanding. Her father, who was himself diagnosed with ADHD as a young adult, now has a better relationship with her because he, too, grew up forcing himself to abide by neurotypical norms.

Ms Alleyah’s experiences are echoed by many of those living with ADHD I have interviewed, as well as a commonly held wish that their parents could have looked further into their struggle beyond accepting the “lazy” label.

Ms Moonlake Lee, who founded the non-profit Unlocking ADHD, says the most common concerns she hears from parents are whether ADHD might close doors for their child, and whether their child can keep up academically.

She notes that while parents might vex over how and when to discuss ADHD and their concerns with their children, their kids are often already aware of these unspoken fears and differences.

“That’s why we encourage parents to talk about ADHD early and openly – in a way that’s age-appropriate and strengths-based,” she says. “When the diagnosis is framed to better understand how their brain works, it can actually empower the child.”

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3. Life is not a race

What complicates things is that we live in a society built for early bloomers.

All these 30-under-30 lists, scholarships reserved for star students under 18 and high-stakes school-leaving exams shape one’s university and career trajectory from as early as age 12. This breeds a “life is a race” mentality where everyone is either ahead of the pack or falling behind.

But reality is perhaps more nuanced.

Ms Gladys Yeo, 25, dropped out of her International Baccalaureate programme at 17 and decided to go to beauty school instead. Working as a freelance make-up artist, she met people from different ages and walks of life – such as Institute of Technical Education graduates and older homemakers – who were “all so happy and warm”.

“It made me realise there was more than one way to be happy,” says the now magazine writer, who was diagnosed with ADHD at 21.

Moving to Australia to pursue her university degree in media and arts also opened her eyes to “how narrow the average Singaporean view of success is”, because Australian society did not look askance at those engaged in “blue-collar” work.

She discovered that the rat race to prestigious universities and white-collar professions was more a condition of Singaporean life than a universal state of humanity.

Of course, there is no disputing that good-class degrees correlate with higher starting incomes and entry into highly competitive and grade-dependent careers like law, medicine and computing.

But as Singapore increasingly moves to recognise more varied forms of success, adopt education policies that reduce pressure and promote different kinds of intelligence, one crucial role that parents play is not to stand in the way.

Looking back at my stressful schooling years, I can see now that my fraught arguments with my parents were just manifestations of deeply held social anxieties.

We knew nobody my age who had dropped out of school. They were deeply concerned that stepping outside the norm would irreversibly damage my life prospects. I, too, lacked the wherewithal to ignore the naysayers or allay their worries.

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If I could turn back time, it would be to drop out from a system that sapped me, not in defeat, but with optimism that things would turn out all right, in the end.

“We need to shift our expectations, adjust how we (as parents) support them, and advocate for their needs – especially when others don’t see the hidden challenges,” reflects Ms Lee, who has a daughter with ADHD and was diagnosed with it herself at age 50.

“Our role isn’t just to push them towards success, but to walk alongside them so they build the skills and self-belief to thrive.

“The ADHD brain is wired for interest, novelty and urgency. If we understand this and create environments where their strengths can shine, we open the door for them not just to keep up, but also to soar.”

It is an incredibly scary thing for a child to forge his or her own path or to have this reality thrust upon him or her because of neurodivergence. What would make all this a little less frightening are brave parents who will take the child’s hand and journey along with him or her without judgment.

Hear Me Out is a new series where young journalists (over)share on topics ranging from navigating friendships to self-loathing, and the occasional intrusive thought.

taunts

Excuse me, is that a foot in your mouth?

Straightforward taunts are nasty, but tactless words which come cloaked with a smile - oh, just joking, oh, just concerned - are nearly as bad.

And then there are tactless words which come with contrition and are cloaked as clarification.

In a recent incident which had some people in Singapore yelling "WT…" at their screens, WTA commentator Kevin Skinner signed off saying "goodbye from China" during the tennis singles final in Singapore.

Hanlon's Razor, a saying commonly summarised as "Never assume malice when stupidity will suffice", probably applies here. Here is a more blunt saying: "cock-up before conspiracy".

So it was a simple cock-up. No dark intentions, I think.

It was actually his apology on Twitter which came with a bit of a kick.

He tweeted: "I made a serious mistake. I signed off saying Singapore 11x & said China once. This is not acceptable. I apologize to those I have offended."

He removed his foot from his mouth, only to put it in again 11x more.

How much of tactlessness is just an honest opinion with no harm meant though?

Name an awful thought and it has probably crossed my awful mind and, occasionally, fallen out of my awful mouth.

But if I let those thoughts come hurtling out of my mouth freely and I said everything I truly thought of everyone, their ears would be on fire.

We can be factually correct and socially wrong at the same time.

Some people defended the staff member who wrote "Pink Fat Lady" on a Pizza Hut Singapore receipt by saying the person is just being factual and, in comments left on online reports of the incident, said the customer's appearance is to blame.

Some even gave her unsolicited dietary advice - hey lady, like quit eating the fast food, lady.

If scribbling "Pink Fat Lady" is putting a foot wrong, these later comments trample over the customer. All in the name of "oh, just being factually correct".

I have always wondered why it is considered somewhat acceptable in Singapore to greet people by exclaiming, "You've gained weight!"

A query cloaked with concern.

If this is asked out of concern, then try and read the expression of the person this is aimed at.

After all, one is already scrutinising the person's belly and behind. Lift the gaze a little higher and look into her eyes.

Does she look delighted with your concern? Relaxed? How lucky for everyone - she really is not bothered by it.

Does she have a somewhat fake smile on her face and a well-rehearsed jokey reply rising to her lips?

Is there nothing else to talk about?

Yak about the plus-sized Apple iPhone if size matters so much to you. Go big on how flawless your own body is. Whatever it is, don't go on to exclaim the very unwelcome "You look tired" too.

Sometimes, tactlessness comes cloaked in the form of a compliment.

Someone once said that single women are better at their jobs because they are not distracted by marriage.

The people I was with were silent for a while, probably digesting how, in the elegant economy of one sentence couched in a perverted form of praise, the person trampled comprehensively on women.

Females apparently have too little brain power to focus on more than one thing at a time.

If they are single and therefore can have nothing meaningful to occupy their time, they can hurl themselves into work to excel at it, or if they are married and therefore must be meaningfully occupied, they do not have much mental capacity left to be brilliant at work.

And then, there is the kind of tactlessness that come with gloves off.

There was that dentist who chose to put his foot in his mouth even as he put dental instruments into mine.

"Isn't it a waste of time?" he said of an organisation that I was with.

How was I supposed to respond to that? (But, seriously, I could not reply because my teeth were being worked on.)

Tactlessness cloaked as friendly chit-chat is powerful because it kicks you when your defences are down.

We are not revved up to fight during social occasions, even though people say things like, "You're the only person in the room who does not have a child" or "Oh, is that what you are feeding your pet? I do that only if I'm desperate."

We can immediately show that we are not pleased by glaring at the person while issuing our counter-argument.

The baleful human glare is a dam against the tide of tactlessness.

But over on social media and in the comments section of websites, which is all about mouthiness and facelessness, it is normal to expect tactlessness despite a good amount of intelligent, thoughtful remarks.

We now mentally steel ourselves against tactless remarks and childish fights before clicking on comments sections.

So excuse me if I don't ask whether that's a foot in your mouse.

denise@sph.com.sg

declutter

I began decluttering by removing paper clips, and went on to get rid of the bed, sofa, television and more, without replacing them over the years. Whether you think my process is demented or delightful, and something you would hate or love to do… you’re absolutely right.

Bear that seemingly contradictory thought in mind if you come across reports about the backlash and stress over keeping up with decluttering and organising, which may come from slavishly following trends – from “fridgescaping” and “airport tray aesthetic”, to assuming wrongly that minimalism means saying goodbye to beloved things.

Misunderstanding minimalism

Here’s one way that decluttering is mistakenly framed by those backing the backlash: that things are not valued in the winnowing process.

“What we often dismiss as ‘clutter’ – all those non-essential, often oddball objects that a third-party observer might write off as needless junk – can actually be good for us,” said a New York Times opinion piece. “...minimalist scolds insist that we should repent of our materialist ways: Things, they are forever lecturing, just aren’t that important.”

Perhaps the writer is mistaking a superficial reading of minimalism or the minimalist aesthetic for the real message.

To me, minimalism is about owning only what you enjoy, which adds value to your life, while gratefully removing the rest.

If 1,000 “oddball objects” add colour and happiness to your life and that of your loved ones, then keep all 1,000 items.

It’s more about keeping things you adore, and less about reducing the number of your possessions to some magical, mysterious minimalist figure (“33-piece capsule wardrobe!”, “own only 99 things!”) that a random influencer chirped to the sound of royalty-free lo-fi background music.

“The constant need to keep up with these decluttering and organisational trends is causing genuine mental and physical stress,” Britain’s Association of Professional Declutterers and Organisers (Apdo) president Sian Pelleschi said in a Guardian newspaper report in September. “People are losing the ability, in some cases, to distinguish between a fad and a method that can benefit their life.”

So concerned is the Apdo by the increasingly extreme striving for a minimalist, well-ordered area that it is devoting its National Organising Week, held in Britain from Sept 16 to Sept 23, to the theme of going back to basics.

The report also noted the decluttering and organising movement has reached heights of unparalleled intensity and that, for example, the TikTok hashtag #Cleantok has more than 100 billion views.

Don’t take it so seriously. You can view it as just entertainment, or “cleantertainment”, as social media platform TikTok puts it, or to pick up tips to do what makes you happy.

If getting rid of things sparks stress instead of joy, then declutter decluttering.

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No magical minimalism

Going back to the paper clips – there’s nothing magical about using them as a starting point for decluttering.

Like many people, I had lots of them because they were useful in the pre-digital-dominant days.

However, as I used less paper over the years, they were crowding the space they shared with cute rose-gold binder clips, and items like beautiful, beloved fountain pens.

They were just easy to let go, and were just as easy to buy or borrow if I needed them back.

Start by reaching for low-hanging fruit.

It’s the love of other things which got me to remove the unloved things.

ST ILLUSTRATION: MANNY FRANCISCO

But how did I go from low-hanging fruit to, well, practically chopping down the tree by not having a bed and a sofa, which most people would regard as being must-have items at home?

I have a passion for furniture, but it was turning my tiny home into an obstacle course.

A bed would have had a huge footprint (almost 10 per cent of my roughly 430-sq ft home’s floor area) and would remain unused for many hours in the day. A sofa also would have had a big footprint.

As I would have been quite happy sleeping or sitting on the hard floor, swaddled in a bedsheet with no need for a mattress, my eyes turned to that workhorse of furniture: the table. Why not sleep or sit on that instead?

It’s a less dusty and literally a more elevated way of getting my rest.

It freed up a lot of space.

A couple of weeks ago, I was happy to have freed up more space by finally saying goodbye to a coffee table and a mini fridge.

However, when I looked at my overstuffed cabinets with doors that I couldn’t close, I felt like I could do with a bit of encouragement. So I took stock of what I have removed over many years to give myself a tiny pat on the back. Here are some items that have not been replaced:

A queen-sized bed and mattress

A sofa

Two dining/coffee tables and chairs

A bar-height table and chairs

Three benches

A kitchen trolley shelf

A six-burner gas hob

An oven

A toaster oven

A microwave oven

A mini fridge

Two irons and an ironing board

A television

A four-piece sound system

Five floor lamps

Two-thirds of my shoes

A third of my bags

Half of my clothes

A clothing rack

A mirror a couple of metres tall

Two room dividers

A bookshelf

Almost all of my books, letters, CDs and DVDs

Almost all of my festive decorations

Almost all of my plant pots and watering cans

Oh yes, and all of my paper clips too.

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scolding for nothing

Aiyoh, why are you leaving work so late when you need to wake up early to get your children and breakfast ready in the morning, asked a cabby within seconds of meeting me for the first time in his car at almost midnight.

I didn’t know that the price of a ride included an instant nuclear family – which did not exist for me outside of the cabby’s mind – and that I was disappointing family, society and all of mankind just by breathing and being female.

Blank woman paper doll

It was a bit of a shock being seen that night as a blank woman paper doll for people to dress up – or give me a dressing down – in a female stock role of the nurturing mother or the selfish money-faced witch.

“Earn so much money for what,” he sniped at my weird working hours from behind his wheel. After all, children are important.

I agree that they are important and what if the money is going towards their needs, wants and dreams, I said in my mind, and what if I can earn a bigger salary to give everyone a good life.

“The father can get the children ready in the morning. The mother can earn the money,” I continued saying, but this time out loud.

Metaphorically speaking, because… what children? Why did the cabby put mummy paper doll clothes on me, and why am I wearing them?

Well, I was keeping the mummy hat on for at least the duration of the ride so that I can defend working mothers with weird office hours from being called bad mums.

Is getting children and breakfast ready something that only women can do?

“Aiyah, earn so much money for what,” he could only repeat.

Is the mother’s money earned with love no good?

Is the father’s breakfast prepared with love no good?

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‘Earn so much money for what’

If there are a lot of people here sharing the cabby’s point of view, then throw Singapore’s upcoming parental leave enhancements out of the cab window.

Under the amendments to the Child Development Co-Savings Act, parents-to-be will get another 10 weeks of shared leave on top of their current leave entitlement, bringing the total amount of government-paid parental leave to 30 weeks by April 1, 2026.

From April 1, 2025, eligible fathers of Singaporean children will also be entitled to four weeks of mandatory government-paid paternity leave.

But why bother when the cabby and some others of his ilk may spend such daddy leave sitting on the sofa as the new mummies take care of the babies and clean the house, vacuuming under the legs that such men are shaking in front of the telly?

In the US, women spend 47 minutes more on housework on average than men each day, according to the US Bureau of Labour Statistics. That adds up to roughly 5½ hours each week, and that is not including childcare, grocery shopping or errands, which the bureau classifies in other categories and of which women also do far more.

Among dual-career couples, women do more housework – even when they earn more money than their partners, said a 2023 Bloomberg report.

It said women pay a steep economic penalty for being so helpful. Looking at comparative data across countries, the more housework men do, the more women there are in leadership roles in government and business.

“Earn so much money for what…”

We earn it to feed ourselves and the ones we love without begging for handouts from chauvinists.

We earn it to have options for getting away from men who drive women back to stereotypical gender roles of yesteryear.

We earn it so we would not have to listen to someone telling us what to do with our own time, money and dreams.

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Womb questions

The conversation in the cab came as something of a shock to me because, for years, I have not had to put on a gendered hat.

Once you grow older and get clear of the personal questions about what you would like to do with your womb, it is easier to live in a more carefree manner in which your gender does not matter.

In my work life, I suppose I am lucky that my gender or even species – I could be a cat typing at a keyboard for all they cared at the office – mostly does not matter as long as the work is done and delivered.

It must have helped that Singapore ranked eighth worldwide out of 166 countries and first in the Asia-Pacific for having a low level of gender inequality in the 2024 United Nations Gender Inequality Index.

The Straits Times reported in 2024 that when comparing male and female Singapore residents with similar characteristics in age, education and occupation, the adjusted gender pay gap was 6 per cent in 2023. This is down from 6.7 per cent in 2018. The adjusted gender pay gap reflects unmeasured characteristics, like differences in the effects of parenthood and caregiving responsibilities, which women tend to shoulder more than men.

So my gender mostly does not matter until occasions like International Women’s Day, which falls on March 8, come around.

Then, instead of being shocked like in the cab, I am gently bemused when asked if I would like to write something about the theme. I at first did not think I had any special insights into being female. This was until I realised in a meta moment that perhaps I did have some, because women get asked gender-specific questions.

Women get asked what they would like to do with their wombs and get judged for it.

Women get asked by complete strangers why they are working late when they should be waking up early to take care of the children and breakfast.

When I get asked these questions, I instantly develop special insights into being a woman.

I usually peacefully go through life not taking an active part in feminist battles and affirmations, which sometimes come in a form such as International Women’s Day, rightly celebrating the achievements of women and marking a call to action for gender equality.

I prefer to simply occupy the space which I believe I am entitled to as a full member of the human race without referring to my gender.

In fact, my hope is that one day, calls to action for gender equality and women’s days will no longer be needed when females are treated as equal members of humankind.

After I got out of the cab, I kept the mummy hat on for a while longer and had a last question in my head for the cabby.

What makes you think that a mother, metaphorical or not, won’t get up early to get breakfast and her children ready just because she regularly arrives home late from work?

Denise Chong is a senior executive sub-editor at The Straits Times. She also writes opinion pieces.

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